This story is true...

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/​​​​ PREFACE

 

The only changes are not Germain to the story such as names. This is my story,  There is something for everyone…The church, society at large,  people who are sexually different, and everybody else! If you’re gonna dislike  something, someone or a group of people, at least know something about the thing you’re gonna dislike.  Please don't assume anything….read EVERYTHING from cover to cover or from start to finish.  I didn't have God threaten me with a 40-day ultimatum to finish this book …just to have you read a little bit then put it down. (I guess He had to threaten me…I’m overcoming procrastination)

Why did I write this work? Because it needed to be told; because it's your story too and because you do indeed have something say and  need to be heard and understood. It is written from my perspective as a male but please recognize that women are included too.  Through my story, I’m giving you a voice.  You really want to be heard but you were afraid of speaking because you’d be ridiculed; because you’d lose or be afraid of losing treasured friendships and relationships, because you needed a change but weren’t sure how to go about it. Well, let’s do this walk, yes? For some of you with puritanical eyes, it’s gritty, it’s shocking but you have to read it all, if you’re going to help someone like me in your congregation, on your choir, on your board, because make no mistake about it, I’m already there, trying to fix me quickly so you don’t ever find out, wondering why my deliverance is taking so long… I used to be bisexual. Now I'm straight. Have you struggled with being gay? What if there was a way to be straight? Would you like to be If I can help you in some way by writing this?, then I am happy. This book is about the "other" coming out...coming out of Homosexuality.  To God be the Glory. 

I’m Anthony Daniel, nice to meet you.

 CHAPTER LIST

 

1. HOW THIS ALL STARTED FOR ME

 

2. THEN CAME COLLEGE! 

 

3. HOMOSEXUALITY IS NOT A DISEASE!  

 

4. IF IT’S NOT A CHOICE AND NOT A DISEASE…THE ANSWER’S GOING TO  SHOCK YOU!!!  

 

 THE ROAD TO RECOVERY

  

 

5. . YOU CANNOT OVERCOME THIS ON YOUR OWN  

 

6. A MESSAGE FOR PASTORS AND CHURCHFOLK

 

 7.  THE STRUGGLE WAS REAL!

HOW THIS ALL STARTED FOR ME

Long long time ago…in a land far far away…yeah right!! Anyway! I was born to this amazing couple who waited and waited for five long years before the birth of their firstborn. I was an amazing kid (yeah I’m gonna put that out there ;) a good little Christian boy who gave no trouble…( or so I like to think!) Mom n Dad were great at giving me all the attention I demanded. They were satisfied at just one kid…but I had other ideas as I grew a little older. My parents were devoted Christians who were obliged to attend all required services, home visits and social gatherings. To me, it was a nice period; It was fun….happy gatherings, fun kids to play with, great fooooodd!! There was the buffet (a European-style sliding glass front showcase) where all the best China and all the best cutlery was displayed and brought out for these events.  There were many opportunities for popularity because my parents looked like models. Everyone wanted to associate.  It was the 70’s.  I was around 4 mebbe 5 years old.  It was at one such party that I tagged along. The adults were inside chatting, socializing, but explorative me, never content to just sit still, wandered off outside to sit by the pool because I loved being by the water.  To this day,  I can still be in the middle of a crowd, then steal away suddenly just to be alone with my thoughts. We never had a pool. We were good middle to upper class but I don’t think that a pool was a must have for us.

So there I was, sitting in those circular metal patio chairs, y’ know, the ones that looked like rings:  they had yellow and white plastic machine-woven tight bands…as I write this, I can see them now, popping into memory…the interwoven pattern…it’s funny the nondescript things you remember from your childhood, and the things you mysteriously forget…

I was sitting there enjoying my own company when he came outside to sit across from me in one of the chairs. Because I’ve always been a trusting, sensitive child – shielded but sensitive, and subsequent adult, who felt everything – vibes, feelings, etc. I must’ve felt that  something wasn’t quite right, but in my childhood mind, I didn’t quite know how to quantify it. Trust the instincts of your children!  

He must have zoomed in on me from within the party and came out to target me.  I remember he beckoned me with his hand to sit closer to him. I was raised with good manners and had a good dose of shyness so I smiled politely and shook my head from side to side. He beckoned again, and again I refused. He pulled his chair on the rough pool decking toward me,  making a grating sound, I remember the sound.  Because I was little,  I had to lift my chair just a little as I pulled mine back. He pulled towards me again and again I retreated. He advanced, I retreated.  Then he lunged out of his chair towards me. I don’t remember anything else. Totally blank. Through the years I have tried to remember what happened, but I really blanked it out…and the stress of the divorce didn’t help either.

 

Yeah, my wonderful family was violently yanked apart by accusations, awful, AWWFFULL fighting in front of us kids…the bleeding, the vomiting, the awful screaming and yelling...(I feel so much awful pain/panic/fear as I wrote that…). Pure evil brought my parents marriage and happy home to a screeching, scraping, metal-twisting, fingernail on the chalkboard halt, and Mommy’s undiagnosed post-partum depression didn’t help either.  When she tore away and went to live on her own with us, I remember always asking,  “Where is Daddy?”, “When is Daddy coming home?” I never got a good answer…”I don't know” or “He’s not coming home”- “Why?” I would continue,  but that was usually the end of that. I would however feel Mommy’s hurt and pain. Badly. So much trauma. So much hurt. So overwhelming for my little child psyche…It’s a miracle we survived the period.  See nowadays there are all kinds of books and experts to guide people and kids through stuff like this….but not back then, and certainly not for where I’m from.

 Mommy told me she’d have to get a ‘job’. (What was a job anyway?) She was always at home with us kids before, always there for us. She put on this blue sleeveless dress…I remember the material; I remember the shade of blue, I remember how it looked on her, then she left the house. After some time she returned a little happier than how she left because she had gotten the job.  I'm saying all of that to say how well I remember all kinds of detail about that time….just not about that one night…

I was always searching, wanting my Daddy to be with us, a happy family again.  Eventually We’d begin to see Daddy,  visiting; we’d be sad when he had to leave because he couldn't stay,  no matter how we pleaded, begged; but it was never up to him just like that. I pined after my Daddy. I love him, but I miss him so much; Daddy, when are you coming home to stay with us…?...

I was a kid full of manners.  At Christmas when all the other kids jumped up on Santa's lap like it was a sofa, reeling out a shopping list of I wanna's, I stood patiently in front of Santa and said good evening, he didn't hear, I said it louder, then I was shooed up on this strange man's lap to tell him that I wanted a truck. Still strange.

(This next part is giving me so much trouble to begin…I really don't want to have to face these things….they are all locked away,  man!!: I’m in one section of the bed, I change position,  I change position,  I change again, (God, do I really have to write thiiis tooo?...y’know when you seek an answer then you just pick up the phone and your answer is right there…in front of you, It’s this promo off-ov YouTube, I kid you not. OK God I hear you..Illl…do…..what…you…..sayyyyyyyyy…(sigh)

I’m so sorry for my disobedience…a day has passed…a day and a half…I cannot sleep, It’s 4:28 am: I need to be up at 9… my mind was also under attack.  I'm really paying the price for this…

…It’s still yet another day…no writing

…Friday…

…Saturday…

…Sunday…

 

(So this is it)….we had moved again to keep a more affordable and a more private place,  plus area violence had broken out nearby and Mommy wanted to feel safer. She was on her own now, a single mom with two kids, divorcee, newly employed, and the job she had gotten was pretty public; people saw where she worked and where she lived. It made sense for her to move. We made friends with Neighborhood kids surprisingly easily, considering how shy we were…I guess it came and went? So one afternoon we were all over the neighbors house having fun as kids when ‘something’ lead me to the back patio. I went and saw a sight that stayed with me all my life.  This was my turning point; the trigger. 

See, that first thing that I blocked out happened when I was around age four; still impressionable, pure and innocent. I couldn’t make sense of it because there was nothing to compare it to.  I had no foundation on which to process. This now was different. I was more self aware,  more aware of my own childhood body. I was around seven or eight and I read a lot. The encyclopedia brittanica was my best friend; taught me about my body as a little boy and how I was going to mature.  I knew about “the talk” before the talk; (you can tell I'm trying to dance around this…) So what exactly did I see? I ambled onto the back patio, bent the corner and stumbled upon Mr. Mullings, my friends’ dad, sitting down on his long wooden bench, changing his clothes  and was erect; big, and strong and smack in front of my face. Somehow I recovered from the shock,  said “sorry”, turned and left. That was  not all, my brother following close behind me, encountered then said the very same thing..."sorry": Seven brothers, seven different minds? No, two brothers, one trigger, two very different outcomes. And that still was not all…at that moment,  something took hold of  me…deep inside my being: I wanted to see that sight again.  The image was seared into my brain forever like a branding iron into an animals’ hide…’ssssssssssshhhhhwww’: 

Done.

I went erection crazy. I did everything I could to repeat or reenact, but it didn't quite happen; I drew sketches of what I saw on every available piece of paper I could find…the daily newspaper, envelopes, writing pads (when folks actually wrote letters!), cash register receipts, tissue, whatever. I was always careful to hide my sketches or throw them away. Drug addicts often describe that very first hit as being so phenomenal, so profound that they chase and chase after that feeling, but nothing ever comes close, so they’re stuck in the chase, searching, searching, going round and round…this was exactly what I experienced and remember, I was only eight. 

So my mother had moved on from being married and deciding she was lonely and needed help to pay the bills,  she had a friend who moved in with us, Benny. Benny was good to us – he came home at nights, he had a good paying job, he was funny, made us laugh, took us on company trips, an overall good father figure to us. Yeah, they argued now and again, but nothing major and I got annoyed with him a couple times, but again, nothing to write home about, as they say. Things were stable. It was in the middle of this stability that I did this crazy stupid, self-sabotaging thing:

Remember how I said I had Mr. Mullings’ “image” seared into memory? Well I had this brilliant idea  … I being a child with very creative childlike curiosity and logic, went into Benny’s shorts drawer, and cut holes into every one of his underwears!  ( Yeah, you can recover now) How did that work out?...it didn’t 

I got the whooping of my life…

During and after the beating as the realization of what I’d done hit me like a ton of bricks, I felt so low, unwanted, broken, useless, embarrassed, trash, undeserving of anything good, bad, breaker of good women’s hearts, breaker of mommy’s heart – not only did I see her pain, I felt all of it too, and in my mind, Daddy had hurt her and now it was my turn. I loved my mom y’all know that by now; She was  my world. Her world caved again that day and it was my fault. I felt so useless and ashamed. Kids today get therapy for way less than all of this or try to end it all. I still don’t know how I survived. I have only told one other person this incident…I cannot believe  (yeah bold/italic/underline!) that I’m putting all this in here for the whole world to see….but I have to; let it help someone.

Some time after, Benny got a great opportunity in the big country where everyone went in search of their dreams and where money grew on trees for everyone's picking....you know the place!  I remember the day so well; I was so excited.  There was a happy yet nervous excitement in the air and in everyone as we bundled off to the airport. Benny said good-natured goodbye's to us in the waving gallery.  Consciously I never really understood that he wasn't coming back, but subconsciously something deep inside me did and burst forth as all the child-like banter and chatting I was doing suddenly gave way to a gut-wrenching wail as I beheld the aircraft lifting off the ground with a ground shaking roar, taking Benny off and away from us, from me...forever...another father figure, dad, gone.  It must have been what I had done with his clothes, I thought.  No one told me otherwise.  So ashamed.  Such despair.  Why did I keep making people leave?

I might as well have called this period of my life ‘The Sexualization of Anthony’ because of all of this sexual stuff that was happening to me...in rapid succession. It was around this time the notorious movie “Nashville Girl” was shown in my country and it stirred up a hornets nest you couldn't believe. A largely Christian country where everything was censored,  this was as porno as it could get, on government controlled national television no less.  Yes the censor board messed up big time.  I saw some of the sexual scenes but I bashfully turned away at the others.  Then in the summers while off from school, we were bundled off to grandma’s house…where we had an uncle who in the mornings would sit on the edge of his bed, whip out and masturbate till the end. That eyeful that I curiously wanted to see again,  was certainly fulfilled.  The sexual portions of the encyclopedia brittanica came to life. THIS was how my body would perform when I got older, this what my body would do and I couldn’t wait.

And it wasn’t like I pulled up a chair and got the popcorn…cuz that’d be weird, I mean, this was after all, my respected uncle, my mother’s brother whose personality was like a judge. He could drive fear into you…and did, so I’d pass by the door back and forth while slow-glancing; looking but not staring, kinda.

(Did I just really write all this…bare my soul for all and sundry?? I'm shocked because I'm a very, very private person).

Somewhere in all of this hyper-sexualized masculinity, and missing the full time presence of my Dad the two became one. Men became sexual objects. Everything about a man melded into his sexual presence, curiosity about his genitals,  his size etc. Remember, I was still a child, but by now, a very broken one.  I had become overexposed to male sexual arousal.

 

Around the time of the divorce I also began eating quite a bit whereas my brother began eating less. He being a finicky eater meant I got to finish my plate…and his. Can't let good food go to waste I rationalized.  I became self conscious of my weight, only of course, because others pointed it out. But my bro being cute, slim-n-trim, got all the cuteness complements….and I got the fat kid rips. I never hated him or resented him though, because he's my beloved bro. I just kept it all in…and ate.  I felt hopeless but happy?. Dejected, my fight almost gone…but I still made it (daily living) look good.   

Then came Najelia. Najelia was around 15 years old to my 9 years and was tall, leggy, a fast runner-I couldn’t outrun her for anything! When we were racing, my footsteps would sound, pat-pat-pat-pat-pat-pat and hers would sound POW-POW-POW! Nagelia was  pretty and had a great personality.  Got me hooked on tall women!  I liked being around her. Great practical joker…except when the joke was on you. She would make mud balls and throw them at me, always hitting their target.  She had an arm like a little leaguer. Her mud balls stung like Bb’s! ( Maybe that's why I grew up liking strong women? I’m just sayin’!)  Her mom was self employed and ran a thriving business from home.  One afternoon I was about to leave for school (nah it’s not a typo, we had am and pm shifts for many schools back home.  I’m not a morning person from back then!) So I was fully dressed and about to leave for school when Najelia said “Come here”. I followed. “Stay here” she said as she ran  to her house in ‘two leaps’. Because trusting others is a thing I do, I stood there obediently, right outside her window, willing to play along. She stuck her moms’ black industrial-sized water hose through the window, and soaked me from head to toe…and I didn't run. I just took the soaking, all the while feeling humiliated, furiously angry and torn inside, but not expressing it. How could she do this to me?  It was like my mother’s great whooping all over again.  It was deep shame.  Najelia laughed and laughed. She roared at my expense. She had great fun. My older cousin at the time who was ‘baby sitting’ us,  after she too finished laughing,  bellowed; “You don’t have any common sense?!, Why didn't you move?! Look at your clothes?! Go inside and change…AND don’t be late for school!! 

You’d think that was the only isolated incident right? Oh no: A few weeks later, she did the very same thing. Did I run then? Of course not. And she laughed even more than before. Beautiful girl insulted me. Twice. Then a funny thing happened; sometime after those two incidents, this happened: Najelia told me to come over to play. She was wearing a yellow jumper set. I hesitated because I was finally cautious. I resisted and she insisted. She took me to a shed adjoining her house.  It was dark. She lay down on some piece of furniture, took my hand and guided me to touch her in her feminine places. I had no idea what I was doing. All I knew was that I somehow felt important afterwards.  It was a complex emotional mix, me and her.  Why do women seem so complicated? Not too long after,  we moved away,  and I rarely saw her after that, till she migrated. So there I was with a complex mix of sexual stimuli from both sides of the proverbial fence.

 

 Y'know when you 'feel' someone staaaaring at you from behind and you suddenly turn around not knowing why, and you meet their eyes pupil to pupil? well, one of my Moms' other friends, Maurice took us out to get ice cream one Sunday evening. Maurice was loud but jovial. At the counter, I felt this compelling need to turn around and I did, only to meet gaze with this man wearing a red shirt and I believe khakis, sitting on the bonnet of a white car  who was smiling and beckoning me to come out to him. I felt slow panic only because I was not alone. I smiled and shook my head to the negative, he beckoned again and again I said no. I started to analyze real quick in my mind...(hey wow I just realized I developed rapid mental analysis as a kid!, anyway)  If I tell Maurice, he would storm the dude, then fight-scene-crowd-confrontation-police-trouble-nice-Sunday-ruined-if-he-got-away-I’d-never-feel-safe-again-Mom-stressed-gotta-protect-mommy-gotta-protect-my-brother-lets-just-eat-ice-cream-and-be-happy.  When we exited with our ice cream cones, the guy was nowhere to be seen.  Protect your children...there are some creepy people out there...(And BTW...Do I have some sign on me saying creep on me or expose me to sex as a child???!!!)

 

All of the sketches and imaginations continued till around 11 years old, when I hit puberty. (I know, real early….with voice changes, underarm hair…no, underarm forest!, growth spurts everywhere..)

 I tried to focus on passing my qualifying exams to get to a good high school…I didn't pass them that year. Mom was so disappointed, but I had another year, another opportunity! Things weren't so bad, right? Her big son would let her finally hold her head up high and make her happy! 

I still didn’t  pass that second time and that was the last opportunity. 

I internalized a lot and around that time, always putting out the best, but hurting on so many levels inside. I also found myself attracted to girls…but there was also this other “thing” which by now appeared to be firmly planted…(how can I see that again? How can I see it? Whose could I see? Whose?)    

I still managed to get into a decent high school with a solid reputation in some industry circles but not all. It wasn’t easy though, as Mom had to shop every school with a good reputation across town.  It was tiring. If I had passed the exams, the transition would have been automatic.  Because of my strong Christian upbringing, I behaved myself and stayed focused on my schoolwork. Mom wasn’t into this whole boyfriend & girlfriend thing in high school;  No steady stream of girls into and out of her house because that would mean sex and babies, and it woulda’ happened too. Who me, make Mommy an early grandma though??? Oh no. I’d be drummed out of Church, home and community! 

I had one high school ‘girlfriend’ in my heart for all of high school. She was only interested in being friends though by being married to her parents (!) Such dedication. I wanted to be more, but she turned me down every which way. I would have married her. I suppose I could have had others,  but I wasn’t interested in them like that. Strong sex drive and urges…but under tight wraps.

 

I was voted to be a prefect and students councilor. The nominations kinda scared me somewhat because I was still under construction and now had to represent the needs of others, overpower the bullies, take charge and be visible, speak up. Its not that I couldn’t do it, I just didn't know as yet that I could.  I wasn’t  ready yet. I was still baking. The timer hadn’t gone off yet. I also knew that I had a lightning flash temper and fought to control it in public. If you were in uniform violation and was arguing or was disrespecting me, I would want to rip you to shreds and just walk away. Don’t disrespect me.  I  was still very reserved. I spoke in class and all but not much, to the effect that when I did speak, everyone listened. (“Be quiet, shush, He’s speaking!”) Everyone could somehow see “christian”  stamped all over me and when I look back at my old yearbook I could  see why, but it’s high school, I was supposed to be ‘bad’ and go against the grain so I rebelled somewhat but not for long. Sorry God. 

My high school was an accelerated program. It was in year three out of four of high school life when there was an impromptu meeting one afternoon at school. The prefects  were just hanging out, talking about this n that when the topic of homosexuality came up. We couldn’t understand how somebody could ‘choose’ to live that way, after all, your having pleasure in the midst of something that stinks.  Gays were targeted in that country. I never identified with the influence or the population and quite frankly it felt foreign to me. It was kinda like there was me, then it. I was never interested in living that lifestyle.  I clearly remember saying I can’t imagine why anyone would want to be that way…  All I wanted to do was get my eyeful as far as I was concerned. Nothing more than that, really. To me, they were very different. I wanted to get married, have kids, do the whole grown up thing, take care of mom. 

Because I was a fat teenage boy who had learned to be self conscious, I skillfully avoided participating in all school related sports activities because that would mean my having to shower and change clothes in front of the other guys. Visual benefits yes, but volunteer for potential body-shaming? no. I had seen several examples of adult male arousal as a child and because my childhood prepubescent body couldn’t compare, I had managed to convince myself that I couldn’t compare to other guys. I had heard two girls making fun of my fat thighs, further entrenching the need to not expose myself to shame. They weren’t mean girls, they were very beautiful and were very nice,  but it’s high school. It happens....I did get along with them really well throughout. 

My mother had taught me to respect my body as a child and guys, y’know how our mom’s would teach us to lift our shirts up and tuck it under our chins before we urinate and we just do it automatically whether were two, twenty-two or sixty two? Hey, I remember I was in a line waiting at a crowded urinal one time when this guy about thirty years, out of nowhere suddenly yanked down shorts and briefs to the floor, then pulled up shirt and undershirt tucking them under chin then began peeing! All the guys shoulders in the line were bouncing up and down stifling mad laughter while trying to not let the dude feel bad -  Mom’s training to a boy sticks!  So I did not just expose myself to nakedness just so, and neither was I confident enough at the time anyways.   The logic I used kinda fit.

All in all high school was a big growing up experience. Then came…

COLLEGE!

I got an on campus job at the library to help out with my finances.  I somehow managed to 'follow the rules' with the financial aid in those days and apply for the barest bones loan to cover classes only, not even books!! (such a bad idea!).  Where I'm from, the student got the check to deposit into their own bank account then pay the school.  I cudda had a loan big enough to get a car, no bus vibes!...I wudda been able to get a deposit to buy a house and rent it to students on my way to financial freeedomm in college....My dad is a good man, but I shudda...not listened to  his 'bare-bones' financial advice on this.....ahh yes...those cudda, wudda, shuddas...! 

 So one night as I was picking up books and loading them onto the cart, apparently I was being observed, studied; probably felt the gaze in my back, looked around, scanned the roomful of stressed out students with eight, nine or ten, big assignments – all issued today,  all due tomorrow morning at 8:00 am, saw nothing out of the ordinary, then I continued with my work. I had the ability to focus real good at times in the presence of distraction - a one track mind maybe? By the time I was downstairs by the bag check, He came down and started conversation.  We chatted about all kinds of stuff.  I'd by then grown up to be able to converse on any topic...I just never had any close friends. My best buddies in childhood school all moved to other cities and countries as their parents took opportunities that lead them away.  There was no social media to keep in touch in those days so once they were gone, you wrote letters or just missed 'em till you forgot 'em.  

It was refreshing to have someone approach me who seemed real cool and interested in my attributes, my personality and what I had to say, and especially since mom was old school and frowned on friends as well as opposite sex friends, until the time was right in her mind, so it was just school, church and home for me, and remember I had confidence and acceptance issues.  I needed validation as a young man. Daddy couldn't get to do it with the visiting relationship he was relegated to.  He tried, It just wasn't enough time.  I forgot to tell you, by the time I got into the fourth year of high school, I grew way taller and lost a bunch of weight, Thank God!!

It was  a new rush, felt so liberating, no more fat clothes!...but It was all new...and I wasn't sure. I needed to be told.  I needed to hear it from  someone.

Here I was now being sought out to be someone's buddy. That was cool.  I was a good listener, I could make good conversation, I wasn't wild and crazy, so I thought I had a lot to offer.  The following night he came back and we again chatted about whatever. He was a senior bank teller. I figured 'cashy' friends are good friends to have since things were real rough financially, after the divorce and all throughout those years of my upbringing.  

So he made an appointment with me for the weekend for food...it wasn't a date, I mean only guys and girls went on dates, right? So we met at the appointed time and got Chinese at a real nice place.  No one other than my parents or Benny or Maurice  had ever offered to take me anywhere before.  This was so different, I had grown up!  Here I had a friend who I was beginning to care for.  So we left the restaurant, went home to his place, watched TV  and chatted; over what? He told me he admired me from that first night at the library but felt intimidated by my serious gaze and my good looks; my serious gaze, ok I got my Mother's serious focused looks that pulled the right people to her or pushed others away....wait.....Did he tell me I looked good??  I had inherited my parents good looks? I was validated this way...but by a guy though...and not someone creepy with any weird grin.  Hearing the ‘admiring me’ thing was being shifted around in my mind as I tried to find a place for it. It felt totally off in some ways an in others….I wanted friends…even though they came with a type of ‘sex’ that was different.  Here was someone who seemed interested in me.   

The physicality that followed over the next few months fulfilled a longtime longing. Wanting body confirmation, Confidence, wanting validation of the physical aspects of the sexual me: Size-wise, was I ‘big enough’ to satisfy a woman – notice I never said man…All my sexual fantasies and fears were hetero. Remember, all the male sexual arousal I had seen, produced sizes bigger than my childhood body could. Even when I grew up and my body matured and ‘filled out’ to my satisfaction, the feelings stayed. My dreams were to marry and start a family but with this thing  with Jovanni though, where would ‘that’ fit in? Would he be some kind of “side hustle?” That just somehow didn't seem or feel right. My Dad was dedicated to one woman at a time and that was the example he set for his kids – whether his firstborn was sexually different or not. What about foreplay with a girl, how long should it last?; I’d read that women take a very long time to be ready for sex and it all seemed very technical and complicated.  (Boys and young men reallly need their Dads, and dads, please teach your  boys these things, no matter how uncomfortable you may feel. Pastors aren’t doing it, doctors aren’t, schoolteachers aren’t…no one is).  Both me and then Jovanni as men, were ready way easier and faster. I was ready instantly. Growing  up with good stability then having my world and body turned upside down…being born a lower birth weight than my brother, then having my young body weight blow up past his with stress, and overeating plunging me into childhood obesity; which roller-coastered  throughout my adult life. 

Most of the adult male population have these  same insecurities or fears just around the time of puberty, just coming out of it or even long after, as adults.   That's why perfectly straight men glance a quick sideways at the gym locker, etc.; it's not sexual, its comparative. Having shed many of my inhibitions, I became emboldened but I took unnecessary risks, because I had not learned to love me; and I was still too trusting. I had a lecturer at college abuse me by exposing me to harm…and I allowed it. (Remember Najelia) I really never learnt the power of the word ‘no’ as it related to my self preservation.  I was brought up thinking that this world had all kinds of good only and that all people were great, no meanies out there.  I experienced "love abuse". I quickly learned that men of that persuasion can be very self serving, self seeking and always willing to take and take. I was a sacrificial giver: Oh you want the shirt off my back? Ok, lemme git you another one too, hold on; back then when I was in college, I was really struggling financially. I had one pair of shoes, dress shoes; one. I wore it everywhere, everyday, so of course a nice hole formed in it. The college kids ridiculed me for not being as fashionable as they were, but I just couldn't at the time so I used cardboard as a constant filler insole and dreaded when rain fell.  I asked the guy who 'discovered' me for a pair of shoes just to help out. He flatly turned me down stating that 'it was too expensive'. This was a guy that dressed to the nines as people say, for his bank job but couldn't extend kindness to a young man you claimed to love.  It was a recurring decimal this self-serving characteristic.  (Oh if I could just help a young man somewhere reading this; young sir, please know this; you are a king! You are precious in the sight of God your bodies are to be respected and regarded as treasures. Do not sell yourself out to nobody whether male or female. Your body is precious and you are very very valuable. We always tell the girls this but no one tells our young men - young men,  I just spoke into your lives:)  I remember one time "a friend" took me to a house in upper upper,  upper suburbia. The owner, a popular guy in who's-who circles, was of course, hotly pursuing me and came after me, seeking me like I was prime ribs, knowing that that he had h.i.v. (yeah I deliberately used lowercase for that, I didn't want your eyes to speedily find the typical caps used, no, take your time and be shocked.)  He tried but never got the chance to give it to me.  There was even another time when I, things got sooo baad financially, In absolute desperation I told a ‘friend’ I wanted his opinion on whether I should,…I was considering turning favors and desperately wanted to be told NO! But you know what he said?  He said “If I think that’s the way to go then basically go ahead”.  Some friend.  I was a young man, just meeting life, what did I know?? And you know what was the result??

 God didn't allow it.

 

I basically started to draw myself away from all of these guys who were all trouble in one way or other.  (I thought I'd insert this right here...I recently looked at some pics from back then of my life as a younger man, and I thought, "so handsome, yet so broken".)

 

 I also learnt  the only way to get the  kind of fulfillment (i.e. friendship/support/kindness)  I was seeking, was to be willing to go all the way, only I was never ever fully comfortable with that.  I was always guilty afterwards.  A sense of guilt would descend over me like a cloud, like I'd done something which was a great wrong.  It was terrible.  Why would I feel that way?, Boys enter puberty being solely attracted to girls, my attraction was altered and I was not the one who did the altering: that's why Its easy to feel that I was born this way. Even from within the womb, the spirit can be in there, working in the background, influencing the zygote/embryo/fetus...all through the stages of development, feeling like a familiar friend, appearing so difficult to break later in life. 

 

(It is a powerful prayer that a man prays for his children - especially a blessing; it is a powerful prayer that a woman prays for her children; but don't wait for them to be born and grown...start before, way before...men, pray over your testicles, ladies, pray over your eggs and womb, long before you start TTC…especially since in many cases, you don’t know what demons are literally hiding in your family lineage..)

 

There were many times when all I wanted to do was to just go visit my friends - hang out do fun things. I liked being outdoors, discovering places. Even though I'm a bit of a homebody,  (ok quite a bit),  I particularly enjoyed visiting the touristy areas just to enjoy my city through someone else's eyes. No matter where you live, the tourist areas are always fun and exciting to be in, whereas your home, even though nice, is different. Too many times though, plans were made and instead of going out or just being good buddies just hanging out, we did "other things". And I really didn't want to...but went along with it...went along with it: I said no, really felt like saying no, but my no was 'underdeveloped'.  Not in any wimpy way, just wanting to please everyone and not wanting to hurt anyone .  I guess it went back to when I knew that I hurt my mother's feelings back then. Its in my core nature to think of others always over myself, and so I was always giving and giving and giving without setting boundaries for myself to protect me.  So I left myself very exposed, at the mercy of others. Wonder why people do these things? The skill called setting boundaries was not established; so everyone it seemed came and took, and took, and took from me and because I was nice, boy did I give! Presents! Gifts! Time! Me! I very quickly learned that too many of these men will be callous and self-centered, and take everything if allowed. You remember how I spoke about experiencing 'love abuse'? This was how it happened. A young boy/young man just starting out in life and in the company of seasoned older men viciously and only after what I was supposed to be giving to some beautiful girl who was supposed to be my wife, and raise up a bunch of beautiful kids that all looked like me (concieted much?!😂) but noh! here I was, deep into something That would make both my parents, should they find out, put on literal flour sack cloth and pour ashes on their heads and faces, run up and down the streets and bawl for their firstborn.


All because of seeking my identity, who I really was, what I was on Earth to do, recovering from abuse, and seeking to establish myself economically and financially. By this time Mommy became progressively weaker and ill with a mysterious set of symptoms that were later diagnosed as Parkinson's...(only she never tremored though...strange...) It took a toll on my finances like you'd never believe. I was older so I had to shoulder it. All that I was supposed to amass as a young man and fresh college graduate, went to her care. She never had girls so I had to care for her in a way that a girl should. I protested greatly those years...loving her but yet heartbroken that my beautiful mother was suffering so much and with very very very expensive imported medications; God...WHY??? All this after years before, some greedy quack took out all her internal reproductives, plunging her into immediate menopause as a young woman. My Mother suffered greatly and I was there to experience all of it. All my college peers all had cushy management jobs or were college professors themselves - even the poorest performers were all doing well, while I floundered very badly career-wise; and without a chance for my finances to breathe, I felt trapped.

During college and after entering the workforce, I made many associates and a few friends, calling them associates with benefits.  It was always easy to make connections because of my calm  persona, my great advice and my (now accepted) good looks. I realized that there was something very different about me compared to the other buddies that I had…they never questioned being sexually different. They just accepted themselves. I had too much guilt and too much shame afterwards. That couldn’t be right. Something was wrong somewhere and I wanted to know what, and why. I was still going to church and serving in a capacity I was drawn to or maybe it drew me. My church had no idea and I felt I could just deal with my guilt and my issues on my own. Hidden. In my own time, my own way. Fix me first then offer myself to Jesus, once id’a cleaned up my act. Remember I was raised in church. It’s what I was supposed to do.  

I felt I had a lot to offer to a heterosexual relationship and wanted to be in one, settled down and married with kids. That was the example that I was born into, the influence that I saw from Mom n Dad. Many gay men are insanely jealous of straight men. Why? Because they could look at or be with a  woman and  their bodies would respond the way it should, without even thinking.  Men who are under other influences just WISH their bodies would similarly respond; the times they tried - they would think and think…and ‘nathing’! and every failed attempt only caused more tension, embarrassment and anxiety for the subsequent time. (can you imagine being laughed at, at that most vulnerable and exposed state?).  For those who think; “There are so many beautiful women out there…why would a man choose to be with another man??” Its because for many men who are under the  influence of homosexuality, nothing happens when they try to be with women – there is no sexual response, and they freak out; and  mentally this can lead to a man feeling like trash...He will try, many times in some instances, and nothing happens; but if a man is bi-sexual, he may have a sexual response and perform normally with either sex.

There are many gay men that ‘specialize’ in straight men.  That is because straight men wield appeal and authority. I had met one of these specialists one time who shared with a small social group of us exactly what his strategy was and I was amazed! Straight men beware, you’re not immune, no matter what you say, or how resistant you think you are. If you don’t wanna be in situations, avoid situations!  The only thing was I didn’t want a straight, man, I wanted to be one.  One of my associates said out of the blue one day, he was giving up on the lifestyle because it had no future in it…ya can’t get a family from it, ya can’t get kids from it, he said.  At that time, I was thinking for a brief moment that  I’d settle into that life and be happy.  There was a nice girl who was interested in him.  He too liked her and quite frankly they looked good together. He wanted to settle down with her and live the dream. They did marry.  I believe they had a kid. I saw the light….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HOMOSEXUALITY IS NOT A DISEASE 

 

Homosexuality is not a disease.  You can’t exactly go to the doctor saying “Doc, I feel a little gay today!”; the doctor replying; “Really?, And how long have you been having those symptoms?!”  If a homosexual sneezes, you can’t catch his ‘gayness’; Neither can you go to fill a prescription at the  chain pharmacy and get rid of it….( even though at the rate we’re going in the pharmaceutical industry, maybe it’ll be a matter of time??) 

So anyway, until then, some scientists will say it’s a choice, others will say it’s environmental, i.e. if the male child is grown up in a female dominant environment where there is mother, sisters and aunties, he may exhibit gay tendencies.  But tendencies do not a homosexual make!! There still other scientists who feel the mothers’ immune system plays a role and the larger population feels “it’s perfectly normal” whatever the cause.   Not even society can advise itself!  If a little boy while playing with toys has a choice of dolls or trucks, and he gravitates towards the dolls, he may not grow up gay, but at that time, the dolls may remind him of his mother which is in itself a normal response.  He could be mimicking his sisters playtime or even in a traditional home setting of mother and father, the child could be seeing himself as dad, immersing himself in his imaginary home with dolly as his wife: conversely, a boy playing with dolls, way beyond a passing childhood phase, could be exhibiting the seeds of fetishist behavior, growing up to view plastic, and rubber adult dolls as sexual objects. Going back to the child and the dolly though, this behavior could also be early signs of homosexuality later in life, but playtime should not by itself be viewed as a single indicator of sexual preference that is to come. Clearly the child in question would have no way of knowing any of this beforehand…(cue sentimental music…”C’mere  Johnny, now I know you’re only three years old, but dyu think you’re gonna be gay when you grow up, mommy wants grandchildren!”…”Yes mommy I wanna he happy when I grow up!!”…bump needle across tracks!) 

One common thread that is seen is an absent Dad or one that is present…but not really there, such as a physically abusive father, an ever-drunk one, or a dad that is so immersed in his newspaper or computer all day long.  

We as modern society have grown to underestimate the role of the father in the family and as its earthly head.  Even certain sectors of the entertainment industry are seen to minimize masculinity by having gay men playing straight roles, straight men being overpowered by overly aggressive or overly assertive female leads in TV ads or straight male roles being emasculated, such as lead male characters having to wear dresses for roles.  Whatever happened to the strong male patriarch? 

It  is so important for fathers to be present and be trustworthy for their children, especially their sons. This helps to establish masculine confidence.  If boys are emotionally or psychologically broken, these boys could become broken men who are open to suggestions of any kind; even more so if a well-placed female has already eroded him by mocking him, embarrassing, ridiculing or emasculating him.  Where I’m from, its common for older women (not wrinkly and gummy old…just older than the male in question) to have sex or sexual activity with much much much younger males. I say males and not men…Because sometimes,  they're not men yet…at least not legally.   It’s a make or break moment for his sexuality though.  He could either be boosted by his peers and have his masculinity elevated because a grown or older woman/female was interested in him that way…(remember Najelia). 

If this poor guy however, failed to perform whether due to a case of morals, conscience or simply couldn’t due to the stress of the situation…( oh yeah, sometimes There’s witnesses) he will be hotly ridiculed by his whole community, whether that community was home based, school or his close buddies. Damage could already be done. We cannot as society keep on turning out men who are broken or incomplete, then blame them for their inadequacies.  Men are very easy to understand i.e. not complicated.  Men need respect, sex, food and drink, in that order too.     

There are men too who become excessively, robotically promiscuous womanizers, sometimes, to conceal past sexual abuse and possibly to convince themselves that they really are not gay and that the feelings they have had for quite some time as a result of the earlier trauma, can be overridden by sleeping with dozens of women, even in a month.   

There is another dynamic which has not yet been mentioned…what about the case where the boy/teen/young man/ has had a very close, ‘tightly’ supportive relationship with his dad who was neither abusive, drunk, insulting nor absentee, but he still was ultimately gay…Now what? In my case I have a good dad who was forced into absenteeism.  This helped lay the foundation for the other events that occurred in my life to take hold

 

 

 

 
IF IT'S NOT A CHOICE AND NOT A DISEASE…THE ANSWER IS GOING TO SHOCK YOU!!!

 One thing is clear though, homosexuality is not a choice, it is an influence.  In the same way a hetero subject, male or female, did not have to ‘think’ about who they were going to be attracted to at puberty, because the attraction appeared and grew up along with them at puberty, the gay subject does not think about who they are going to be attracted to at puberty, because they too  found that an attraction appeared and grew up along with them at puberty, Why would anyone choose to be hated, vilified, spurned by peers, family,  society and seemingly by God? Think about it for a minute…does it make sense? Yet still churches, families, society at large cling to this idea. The result is generalized hate whether subtle or overt where the person so afflicted is made to feel hopeless or  suicidal; yes there are many who have taken their lives – some for a variety of reasons and some because they felt rising, overpowering same sex attractions which repulsed and revolted them; this thing feels like a foreign entity inside of your being that demands attention and will not go away by ignoring it like "Jenny" on that eyeglass commercial – in fact ignoring it in many instances only leads to strengthening….

This sounds very well and good…but what actually causes the homosexuality?  Well, lemme break it down for you; have you ever had a dream where you are looking up at the night time starry sky, only you are falling and falling and you have no control but just at the moment where you are supposed to hit the ground, you 'fall into yourself' on your bed and wake up!; heart racing, sometimes sweating and breathing rapidly! and some of you with the older spring mattresses may even feel a gentle bounce upon 'impact'. That was your spirit! Yes you do too have a spirit; you're not just body only.  If it wasn't your spirit...did your physical body come crashing through your roof one night and end up on your bed - bleeding, broken, sore? No, it didn't. This is your spirit. Many people the world over have had the same 'dream'.  There are good spirits and spirits that have nothing good about them that seek to destroy. There is a head in the realm of the spirit that is head of all that is eternally purest good, and there is a head that represents all evil. The realm of the spirit is as real as, no, more real than the physical that you see and experience everyday.  The physical earth realm is bound by constraints such as time, whereas the spirit realm is not.  I have explained all of this to say that homosexuality is caused by a spirit that is foreign to the person who has it - like an add-on.  In other words, it's not Paul or Candice or Sherman, or Robert, or whoever else that you know to be so influenced.

 

WHOA!!! Let that sink in for a moment.

 

So how do some people end up gay and others not? Arright! now we are talking! So, in the realm of the spirit is a thing that is called legal rights that affect life on Earth.  If the spirit of homosexuality has legal rights to afflict a person, it will.  So what causes the legal rights?  (I hear you or your hapless parents and grandparents asking, hanging on to every word!)  O.k. follow me on this next journey: 

 

Mom? Dad? Grandma? Grand-pop?  Great-Grandma? Great-Grand-pappa? Great-Great-Great-...??? All the way through the generations, wherever it occurred, someone messed up somewhere, causing the spirit to enter the generations.  What about that drunken frat party with 'those things' that were done to you in by Steve-who-was-too-drunk-to-know-what-he-was-doing'?  He wasn't all that drunk...He knew exactly what he was doing to you.  You, on the other hand, weren't all that ok with it but went along with it just because you wanted to be in the 'in' crowd;  You sold yourself out - along with potentially your entire generation that issued from your body; its that big, on that kind of scale.   These mean spirits are very patient - remember we already established that in the spirit that there is no such thing as time, so they wait for the right moment to strike - like a pied piper who had a legal right, then returned for the children, having exercised its legal right to do so...

 

Another example: One hot summer afternoon in 1925, Robert, who lived in the big city in the East, a 25 y. o. with nothing to do that day, decided to go down to the bath house down the street.  No one in Robert's family is gay.  Robert who was unmarried and also didn't have a girlfriend at the time, was feeling 'high hormonally'  (I'm sure you can use another "H" word...use it!) so as he was at the bath house he was encountered by one of the attendants.  At first Robert resisted, because he was not into 'that kind of weird stuff', then strength gave way to hormones.  Robert hurried away from the facility feeling embarrassed and feared that someone would find out. He vowed never to do 'that' ever again. He rushed home alone, only, he wasn't really alone as the spirit of homosexuality was now with him and entered his being and bloodline, choosing whom it may as the generations came to be born...his kids, their kids, hopping from this one, choosing that one, like a buffet chock full of human choices as time winded on through the years.  Everything we do in the physical, has consequences in the spirit. Act very carefully.  Remember the 'free love movement' in the 60's and 70's?  You - you didn't really think that all that free sex with whomever, wherever whenever, however for whatever, was consequence free...didja??...didjaa?...or all those abortions for that matter - millions and millions of them?  They all have consequences.  Even though this example lists a date of 1925, humanity has been around for far longer; and if this practice has been mentioned in some of the oldest books on record, and warned of in the Bible, then it's practice goes back even  way earlier.  Someone messed up and brought the spirit into their family's bloodline.

 

Now many of you are becoming angry at the preceding section...not because you disagree, but because so many, sooo maaannny of you were thrust into this dark sexuality, (that's exactly what it is...it is dark...not dark, mysterious and exciting...just dark)...because it was forced upon you when you went to community institutions that were supposed to protect you such as school, foster home, boy scouts, etc. Some of you ladies reading this were horribly horribly abused when you were little girls by trusted men as well as women in your lives  - uncles, aunties, brothers, sisters, mothers who prostituted you to strange men as she watched, teachers, sports coaches, fathers, activities coaches, school bullies, doctors, caregivers and next door neighbors.  It raises its ugly head now in your adult life, and in order to cope with it, many of you label yourselves as 'bisexual' or ‘other’ sexual: You know your true sexuality is 'in there'; as a man, you are naturally attracted to and your body responds to women like it should... but there's this other thing in you that you appease because it seems so strong; you're a guy and you love women over and over again...but there are these guys at times who you see as you move around life, and when you see them something moves inside your belly and your initial glance is met with a follow up gaze.  That thing that moved inside your belly...that wasn't your intestines, nor your stomach nor your liver...but that was it, that spirit that demanded attention, demanded to be satisfied.  It influenced your emotions, your eyes, your genitals. 

 

So now lets examine one more cause of homosexuality...yeah there's one more.  This excerpt is taken from a printing that's as every bit as miraculous as you could ever imagine, taking around 1500 yeeeaaars to complete, it's The Bible! and this section is taken from a book in it that is named Romans, written by a man by the name of Paul who wrote several letters that became books, based on principles of behavior that are right and do well for a person living by them, all inspired by the most miraculous man ever to walk the face of the earth, Yeshua / Jesus, whom Paul met personally:

 

 

For God in heaven unveils his holy anger breaking forth against every form of sin, both toward ungodliness that lives in hearts and evil actions. For the wickedness of humanity deliberately smothers the truth and keeps people from acknowledging the truth about God. In reality, the truth of God is known instinctively, for God has embedded this knowledge inside every human heart. Opposition to truth cannot be excused on the basis of ignorance , because from the creation of the world, the invisible qualities of God’s nature have been made visible, such as his eternal power and transcendence. He has made his wonderful attributes easily perceived, for seeing the visible makes us understand the invisible. So then, this leaves everyone without excuse. Throughout human history the fingerprints of God were upon them, yet they refused to honor him as God or even be thankful for his kindness. Instead, they entertained corrupt and foolish thoughts about what God was like. This left them with nothing but misguided hearts, steeped in moral darkness. Although claiming to be wise, they were in fact shallow fools. For only a fool would trade the unfading splendor of the immortal God to worship the fading image of other humans, idols made to look like people, animals, birds, and even creeping reptiles! This is why God lifted off his restraining hand and let them have full expression of their sinful and shameful desires. They were given over to moral depravity, dishonoring their bodies by sexual perversion among themselves— all because they traded the truth of God for a lie. They worshiped and served the things God made rather than the God who made all things—glory and praises to him forever and ever! Amen! For this reason God gave them over to their own disgraceful and vile passions. Enflamed with lust for one another, men and women ignored the natural order and exchanged normal sexual relations for homosexuality. Women engaged in lesbian conduct, and men committed shameful acts with men, receiving in themselves the due penalty for their deviation. And because they thought it was worthless to embrace the true knowledge of God, God gave them over to a worthless mind-set, to break all rules of proper conduct. Their sinful lives became full of every kind of evil, wicked schemes, greed, and cruelty. Their hearts overflowed with jealous cravings, and with conflict and strife, which drove them into hateful arguments and murder. They are deceitful liars full of hostility. They are gossips who love to spread malicious slander. With inflated egos they hurl hateful insults at God, yet they are nothing more than arrogant boasters. They are rebels against their parents and totally immoral. They are senseless, faithless, ruthless, heartless, and completely merciless. Although they are fully aware of God’s laws and proper order, and knowing that those who do all of these things deserve to die, yet they still go headlong into darkness, encouraging others to do the same and applauding them when they do!

Romans 1:18-32 TPT

 

The passage above is taken from The Passion Translation, from an app I use called YouVersion.  I used this translation because it reads easily and some of you are afraid of reading the Bible because of all the older language forms of the earth used in it...all of the Thees and Thous  But really...give it a go...Idareya! Put that on your kindle,  Audiobook or other devices; also a good traditional hardcover and go from cover to cover till done!  It's got earth history for you history buffs, genealogy, passionate thrillers, love stories, good ol' tear-jerkers, whats gonna happen in the future of the earth, whats happening to you now, and so on; So regarding the above passage though, Is this a shocker to you? its shocking every time I read it.  So if you deny God, these are the things that are going to come upon you, and populations have denied God and these things have come upon them, the world over.  Can you think of anyone ever 'coming out as gay' in a public gathering, say a Hollywood awards show and the audience whooping it up, applauding and cheering them on? What about those of you say you 'don't believe in God because of all the terrible things that are happening in the world',  Can you see from the above passage some reasons why, why the world is in such a state?  Every time you deny God, you help throw your life, your community, your city, your state, your country, your hemisphere and the world into chaos! You literally throw the whole planet off course...oh you...don't believe that? I saw this Earth-straying-off- course thing on Discovery channel years ago, but even more importantly and more profound, Its in the Bible too! here; They know not, neither will they understand; they walk on in darkness: all the foundations of the earth are out of course. Psalm 82:5 KJVA (King James version with Apocrypha...) and sexually deviant behavior and the spirit that causes such things becomes stronger. You unfortunately do this too by worshiping other gods - and how do you do this? by idolatry such as calling psychic hotlines for advice, or straight up witchcraft or even to venerate a man or a person who is not God, not Jesus and definitely not The Holy Spirit; and this is so rampant in our country and in our world today.  Yet we as society don't renounce these acts, but instead support their growth and expansion by protecting them under 'religious freedom'. This is not what the founding fathers meant. They wanted God in charge. 

 

Those of you who are reading this book and are finally realizing that here is someone who understands your struggle with this other sexuality that you have been experiencing, someone explaining the cause and origins of this thing, and why its so strong to overcome, and why  nothing that you've tried has worked, (no electroshock therapy, no drugs, no repeating mantras, no tuff-'em-up-boot-camps, no positive-negative reinforcement therapy, no forced opposite sex intimate childhood interaction when you were a kid), no merciless beating, no shaming, no throwing your son or daughter out of the house to be homeless, it all didn't work.  You are finally getting it that someone gets you, and on a deeper level than anyone else has - because I've been there...but I'm not alone, I have help!

 

 

 

 

 

 

One thing is clear though, YOU CANNOT OVERCOME THIS ON YOUR OWN

Ok, we've come up the mountain of this story.   So now I'm going to tell you how to be...EXGAY, a state many speak about, even envision but few know how.  Overcoming homosexuality, is it even possible? YES!  Can you do it on your terms...NO!  Not going to the regular haunts and hangout spots can and  does help, but what about those folks who don't do the clubs and bars to begin with?  I've gone to bars  mebbe twice  back in the day - probably three times, because I'm not the bar type period. But many of these places have age limits...after all liquor is served so how do we help a kid overcome this?  Kids nowadays are identifying themselves as the opposite sex, and society and government basically says...allow it; so you really don't have to step out of your home for the world to influence you, after all - everything hangs ten riding into your home on the electronic wave called the internet.  Just stop and think, it is possible to have no more same sex feelings, but now you will begin to experience the sexuality you were supposed to have, before the take-over occurred; a re-birth, a refreshing So how exactly does one do this.  There is God.  Even I am realizing more and more that He's not far removed and angry all the time...I felt this way because at several points in my childhood and into adult life, my soul was wounded by serious life events, back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back. (How could someone who's angry all the time create something that's beautiful and tender like the delicate petal of a beautiful flower dressed in many hues? or...or a beautiful baby..or a cute cuddly puppy?...think about it)  The Creator of The Heavens and The Earth.  He sent His Son Jesus / Yeshua to recover mankind from all manner of sinful activity...including homosexuality.  Some of you who have a spirit of offence just got offended at that.  You found something in you moving you to anger for some reason taking to task that the words 'sinful activity' and 'homosexuality' are in the same breath and sentence.  Do you see how real the influence of these spirits are? That was personal for YOU!  YOU felt that.  Homosexuality oftentimes walks with offence, jealousy, comparison and lust - especially of the eyes, keep reading!  Keep on reading!!!!!

 

 

Some of you go to church...(shocker to some), You have a true yearning for God especially since you were little and went regularly, but then there's this homosexual thing now that you've grown up...yeah that; You just can't seem to shake it in spite of how many sermons you've heard, how many times you've gotten up to alter-call,   Many have decided to live with it...even thinking that God made you that way...He didn't!  You may have even heard, give it to Jesus...(but how exactly does one to this?) Some of you even think that there's Grace in this dispensation (there is), so you can carry on living in sin because it's ok...(hoboy!) Some of you recognize that a change needs to happen and you are working on yourself to 'clean up your act' so that you can then offer up yourself to God to walk in God's way; What's wrong with that thinking?  What's wrong with the thinking is that you can't 'fix' yourself.  You can't fix yourself.  You can't fix yourself.  You can't fix yourself.  You can't fix yourself.  You can't fix yourself.  You can't fix yourself.  You can't fix yourself.  You can't fix yourself.  You can't fix yourself.  Only Him God through His Son Yeshua can do this.  Homosexuality and all the other sexually different/deviant behaviors, and you know what they are, can only, only be overcome by spiritual warfare because, they are in the spirit realm.  Remember that these are evil spirits that have decided to capture you and entangle your soul to destroy you.  Yes, humans are body, soul and spirit.  We already established this earlier.  Sexual deviance and countless other behaviors that manifest in a person, cannot be fought by medications or traditional weapons in a typical national army.. 

A while back I had decided that I was not gonna live the lifestyle anymore.  After years of wondering why I was under this influence and why I was still having conflicting feelings about it, and why It seemed to be deeply ingrained in me for so long yet still I now saw where the Bible spoke so clearly against it in very specific passages...(I believed The Bible, so was the Bible against me?? Did God hate me?? But why?? Didn't God make me? Wasn't I this way from I was a child? I didn't choose this! Preachers and songs all said that God loves me and all I but I had so many questions! I didn't feel like He loved me...for me...me...me.  I was trying to find answers! God Please! I need answers! What is going on with meeeeee???!!!! I started to have conversations with God and Jesus about the life I had lived and I started to confess and I mean reallly confess what exactly I had done...even though it was kinda like the headline edition of the evening news before the "word from our sponsors", how I was relating to Him  Remember now, me...private...secrecy...hiding...scared, so scared...embarrassed; I couldn't even tell my parents...or friends...but now I'm going to tell...G'GOD??????????????????????????? but yet some feeling deep down was pressing me that I needed to tell Him; I needed to face my Lord and tell Him.  Preachers said you can tell Him anything and quite frankly He already knows...because He saw it all...all my life unfold...but to realllyyy start confessing about THIIISSS...was no small task for me.  You don't really know the meaning of shame till you start to tell the King of Kings and Lord of Lords of the WHOLE OF CREATION, ALL MIGHTY ALL POWERFUL, ALL AUTHORITY...that you've been sleeping with dudes - and yet still he was loving me so deeply in spite of it...but he was being hurt each time that I did those things: (Y'know, I wrote this section, paused, took out the trash, returned, went to use the bathroom, then after, feeling I really wanted to take a nap, so tired, head aching, but instead I returned to the com, read this section again...and now I'm tearing up….sigh…..)

 

And by the way I needed to tell you too, I had gotten MARRIED!! Beautiful woman!, we matched like crazy, and WE look good together!!  We had overcome mountains to get to be a couple. I treated her well, and intended to be faithful to her.

During this time, I felt quite good about settling down into married life and wanting it so badly to work since I came from a broken home and knew that that experience had helped to change me.  I took the humble road in little fights so that they wouldn’t become bigger ones…after all, I knew my history and if there was a consternation, it was automatically my fault.  I just took the blame even if at first I was defensive, and many, many times I was so defensive, but in the end, I just took the blame.  I had experienced enough brokenness as a child and adult, so I kinda accepted that: Nevertheless,  Life seemed really nice…

Until somehow, word got into the church we attended…. 

I was devastated. 

Devastated.

You will remember earlier that I mentioned that I was a very private, reserved personality - very professional demeanor, polished and tried to put everyone at ease, who did not wave my personal life like any kind of flag.  Even though many of my former friends and associates had very loud personalities and didn't seem to care about being found out, I was horrified at that idea and couldn't bear the thought of it, not when I was so conflicted.  I couldn't identify with any one side because that would mean denying the other...and I knew both were there, and yet still if asked a societal question from someone who didn’t know,  (like…”How do I personally feel about gays etc.), I would try to go neutral in my responses, answering...but not really.

I was discussed like a flag on a  post in the wind; 

I  was made to feel low, dirty, nasty, cheap, disgusted, awful, hurt, angry, hopeless, frightened, panicked, anxious, depressed, worried for my marriage, and I could go on with the superlatives….I really could.  Ninety eight percent of Everyone who got up to do anything whether to sing, bring the word or pray, it seemed all had to squeeze in their anti-gay stance, somehow to make me know, for sure, that they are against me.  The other two percent carried a message of, “take your nose out of people’s marriages and focus on your own”, or really presented from God’s heart.  I got hateful stares and I was made to feel like I was only getting married as a cover; yet, no-one ever asked me anything – whether the stories were true or not. No one cared about my life long struggle that began as a child.  My heart hurt for my wife.   No-one said a word to me, but I’m not stupid, the air was thick with it.  I was not getting married as a cover. I really wanted my marriage to work.  I wanted this “thing” on a back burner till I could fix it. There were a core group of (senior) mothers who showed me extra love and were really genuine and tender with it, I knew that their love was real; they had the real love of Jesus, the real deal.  I’m sure they must’ve heard, but loved me even the more.  That gave me strength to cope.  To face another day.  There were so many days I felt so alone, in the crowd but couldn’t say anything; “Hello, I have a story to tell, ask me the truth, I’ll tell you”! but no one asked.  Innuendos were rife though.  Well placed people even made jokes with me…about me.  It stung like a dozen bees, but like an award winning actor I played it off and made it look real good. I kept on going and wanted so Badly to tell someone how I was feeling or hear a power filled message  on the many Sundays I felt I couldn’t go on, but all I heard was stuff like:  “The Moral decay that has crept into the church ~ women better watch who they are marrying because they’re wolves in sheep’s clothing, etc. etc I somehow managed to keep my distresses in, showing a brave face, after all, I had to be strong for my wife, and all the wagging tongue owners, but many times, my distresses would leak out onto my face.  She tried to determine what was wrong, but I never did talk about it; I couldn’t, I just couldn’t.  (Remember Najelia, remember my beating, Remember my parents divorce, how I protected mommy, now I gotta protect my wife, yes? I just couldn’t; you understand, right?...)  There was even one lady one time I believe it was either in a prayer or in a sermon, I don’t remember which, who exclaimed…”These chairs are sanctified”!  Translation: How dare you with your dirty body even sit on them?  (In whose company was Jesus found the most while he was on the Earth? The Sinners.  Who did He have big problems with?  Many religious persons.) I don’t know HOW I survived this period.  There were many Sundays I went home with such a headache, my head no longer ached, it burned.  I was desperate…I really was.  I tried leaving the church, to go somewhere where I was not known, not judged by the masses, so I could worship and pray and just unload on God in peace.  I wanted to leave, I really did try…but she wasn’t having any of it.  We warred over the issue constantly till I caved.  All this time I was feeling that God was feeling the same way that the church people did, so I couldn’t talk to him about any of this – couldn’t talk to the pastor or any church official, after all why wouldn’t God feel the same way…or did He…too many storms;  I knew it was time to tell him…somehow…

 

 

I believe I sat on the bed and said something like.."Dear God..........................(looooong diiiiificuuult painful pauuuusse)....................................I've lived the gay lifestyle,...............................I have had sex with men..............................I'm sorry......but I don't understand...why do I feel these urges..................Didn't you make me this way??...So why am I feeling all this conflict and severe guilt, crippling guilt.  I’ve been asking those who I can ask…but they have no answers…they accept themselves, seem to be happy-go-lucky…GOOOODDD PLEEEEEEAAASE!! I need answers, please take this thing out of me!!!  If I’m going to overcome it please take it out of meee!

I had a wrong view of God. I thought each time I slipped up, God was just waiting revengeful, with tapping fingers, a punishing glare and grin shouting AHA!! Serve you right! See thats how many Church folk are, and if Church folk are like that, then God must be too, right? I thought No one showed compassion, empathy as they sat on my name and were merciless. But God is not like that, no. He is full of compassion and kind. Merciful and patient, attributes of a good Father. (After all it wasn't while we were perfect that God sent His son Jesus Christ into the world to die for us...it was while we were bad and rotten!😖)

My nation has a punishment mindset.  Along with this is the self-sabotage mindset, feeling that I don’t deserve anything good and subconsciously railroad my own successes and when the end result is realized, some defiant, deviant little voice says… see? See?  I told you so!  I thought God was quick to punish me for everything I had done and for every mistake that I had made, like sin-punish-sin-punish-sin-punish.  This kind of upbringing…This is what had made it such a difficult concept to accept Grace, and I so badly needed to. I was afraid of God – and what you are afraid of, you naturally run away from, right?  Even though I was loving Him and serving Him by going to church and participating, I didn’t think He loved me,  because I was so rotten…so bad:  Yeah I’d hear Pastors say it…but it never really pushed through the barriers of my self-protective walls to apply to me…to apply to me.  This is how Jesus came into the picture.  It was so hard to accept the overwhelming never ending reckless love of God in Yeshua.  There may be many churches, but many go for obligation, duty or habit.  Few go to church out of love.  God and a whole Host of witnesses are actually watching me, cheering me on for my success….(as seen in Hebrews 12:1);  Jesus even prays for me – you mean The Jesus  prays for me, me. Yes. Yes He does, (John 17.)

 

 

 

 

 

 
A MESSAGE FOR PASTORS AND CHURCHFOLK

Suppose it was you that was afflicted, how would you want to be treated by you, churchfolk?  Would you want to be vilified in front of your whole congregation every time you entered the building just desperately wanting to hear from God ?  Hated?  What if it was your children, would you speak so poorly to others about them?  Personalize it for a minute, walk in my shoes for a bit – even sixty-seconds; You couldn’t, not without wanting to end it all.  Well I am my mothers’ son, I am my fathers’ son.  I did not choose this lifestyle, but I did act on its influence because its all I knew, even though still wanting to be free of it.  Why is it that you find it so easy to talk about other’s downfalling problems with gusto and not your own?  The next Sunday, would you consider taking the mic and confessing all of your past sexual sins, from the day you became sexually mature to present? No? How about announcing all your fears, inadequacies, shameful deeds?  Have you completely forgotten that you are in fact a Christian and that you must mean something different to the world around you, and even to the church?  That you must witness to each other as well as out in the world and for God?  Is there any wonder so many of you just get baptized then go to church and rarely if ever share Christ with someone in your community who is not a believer?  Haven’t you then converted the church into a nice little social club where you wear fancy clothes, shoes, hats, suits and drive the latest model wheels – and not much else?  Who was the latest person, a non-Christian, whom you’ve told that Jesus loves them?

Do you know what it is like to have abuse and strong sexual energies forced on your sponge-like childhood persona, influencing you all throughout your adult life?  Do you want to know what it feels like to have 50,000 lbs. of guilt hanging around your neck daily and nightly?  Did you pray for me? Did you pray against me?  Did you pray at all?  Did you remember to gossip?  I remember one of you even proclaimed God should beat me.  What if it was you, in my shoes, would you want God to beat you?  (I’m tearing up again, I can do this, I can do it…) and if I was your son, would you want God to beat him??

Whenever The Lord wanted to prove Himself to me, that He did in fact love me, Dyu know what He did most of the times?  He used those who didn’t preach regularly or…visiting ministers; OUTSIDERS!, The ones who didn’t know me at all, didn’t pre-judge me,  who spoke to me from The Heart of God – and I could always tell the difference because the words would wrap around my soul, like a perfectly made, warm cup of delicious hot chocolate, on a freezing record-cold morning, healing me.  Those days I cried in church after the message, as I started to realize and slowly, slowly, carefully believe that God didn’t want to hurt me or beat me or kill me and that I didn’t have to be afraid and protect myself from Him by building up internal fortresses, where homosexuality had inadvertently become ensconced (hidden and protected), but rather, let Him in through His Son Jesus who was the one who was going to do all of the recovery of my sexuality and heal it.

That is How you treat anyone with a sexual deviance caused from whatever means:

·         You show mercy (hopefully you have mercy to show)

·         You show love (hopefully you have the love of Jesus in you…)

·         You pray for yourself to be open to the Holy Spirit to hear how to pray for them and what to pray for

·         You pray for them

.         You ask if they'd like to share their their story (how this all started for them, was there abuse?, an incestuous attack? etc)

·         If you know they are recovering, pray desperately for their strength to overcome.  Going up the mountain is never easy…              It’s too easy to slip back especially if the enemy is hotly pursuing them as it was pursing me;

·         You do food fasts on their behalf.  Some of these problems are of the kind that go not out BUT by prayer and fasting!!!                    (Matthew 17:21 King James Version)

·       You pray for the stronghold to be broken from out of their lives and families

·       You don’t spread hate campaigns against their name encouraging malice

·       You don’t ridicule others who you see speaking to them thereby encouraging shunning

·       You don’t get to judge and you don’t prejudge either

·       If you hear rumblings about a person in your church and you’re in a leadership position, first, ask The Holy Spirit how to proceed.  Seek Jesus.  Follow that protocol. Based on John 4:7-42,  You may ‘prepare the ground’ by reminding your congregation in general in one of your messages, to be like Jesus regarding any issue that may be upwelling.  Reiterate or state your position (if this is the first time you’ve had to address this, also state that you will be discreet and non-judgmental, and  then after a little time has passed, invite the person to talk in office or – y’know what? Change the environment, don’t do the meeting in the office, be creative; go in their home if convenient or safe or maybe jog/dog walk/shop for groceries/dinner/lunch/breakfast in a restaurant, whichever is best,  about what you are hearing/have heard. Remember Jesus didn’t just preach and teach, He also had compassion on the people’s physical (stomach) needs.  Spend some money, don’t be a tightwad!  Be light-hearted, be jovial; if you’re not normally this personality, then be yourself.  If yourself is harsh then be personable.  Do not accuse but do ask. Ask about how this started. Have an environment of Godly love, support and judgement-free.  If you’re personally disgusted by the whole matter, and you know your feelings and tone will show harshness, then don’t do it…use someone else like your spouse or another minister who has a more compassionate demeanor…(and work on yourself, please!!).  There was a minister who I had high regard for that had asked me before; a highly intellectual leader who was a bit of a fire-brand with a piercing gaze.  In my spirit as a young man, I knew that something was up days leading up to it.  I could feel it in the atmosphere…but I didn’t know what it was.  I was called into the church office suddenly and asked right then and there.  Straight-up.  I balked.  I couldn’t do it.  I lied.  I HATED lying to him, but I didn’t want him to always see me as some kind of weak, drop-wristed…y’know…and there was nothing in the way of a lead up, like “I want you to know that you can trust me and That I’ve counseled many, many persons before, on all kinds of sensitive issues, some of which you wouldn’t believe, but it’s all confidential, nothing is taboo and this meeting is totally confidential.  I want to help you, You can trust me.  Don’t feel bad or embarrassed or angry that I’m asking, and I won’t think of you any less than I do now because I regard you and respect you* and nothing you say is going to change that*;  I have heard a whisper that you might be gay and I wanted to ask you directly” (and smile while speaking, don’t leer and don’t scowl! Nobody chooses to be afflicted and it’s not your job to punish or disgrace).

(* Every male on the planet or circling above it, thrives on respect.  Lose the respect, lose the man…)

And y’know what?  Also at that church too, quite a while before, when I was a child, it was discovered that an older guy was gay and the pastor at that time…had the members of the church stay back after service one Sunday, called up the man, gave him the microphone and forced him to publicly confess.  It was bad.  His family all broken up and embarrassed, bawling, he was bawling, he didn’t make it much longer after that.

I did tell someone though; it was the guidance councilor in college.  I was wracked with a roller coaster ride of emotions entering college – nerves, anxiety, guilt on my journey to becoming an adult, my sexuality divided; I never continued the sessions though because the initial councilor was replaced by someone who seemed judgemental, harsh, indifferent, critical and feisty.

 

·         You DON’T get to make statements like: “you have to watch them to see if they’re going to use the auxillary or department as a cover to recruit others over into what they used to do”… (Seriously? Nevertheless I forgave this person and love them)  Bishops and lead Pastors please train your lay ministers and preachers in training, that it is not ok for them to gain popularity from the congregation by trampling on the reputation of others, if a rumor starts within the walls of church.  Even one soul is precious to God.  If a person was walking in sin, whether they knew it or not and they met, truly met Jesus and He changed everything, who is anyone to say that the person in question is not saved and still carrying on in sin?  It is the devil that calls a person by their sin and constantly charges the environment towards the negative:  It is Jesus who calls a person by their name and then by His Name.  Haven’t we become The Righteousness of God in Christ Jesus?

·         If God ordered a marriage (between a man and a woman) and you discover that one person is/was so afflicted, be very careful how you pray regarding that marriage because if you’re single, you might be going ‘round and round that singles mountain for 40 years in deep frustration, because you might have high-handedly attacked Gods’ work, without looking through His eyes to see His will. (This is a Holy Spirit key to why some of you are still single…If you know you’ve done this, ask for forgiveness; start praying for healing for other people’s marriages and for other singles to get married with Godly spouses!!  That’s Christian maturity, not destroying peoples lives and names on social media.  PRAY!!!!)

Flouting some of these very points is why many gays feel that God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit hate them….and hardly have anything to do with the church.  C’mon fellow Christians, your life may be the only “Bible” that people read; it’s your Christian life and example that’s going to make a difference…If you saw two men or two women being all smiling and up close and hugging with each other and lovey-dovey and playful at a bus stop, or on a plane or in a train and you are a Christian…and you feel a Holy Ghost urge to respond in some way…you

A.   Keep your distance while thinking  “GOD PUNISH THIS ABOMINATION TO YOUR FULLEST EXTENT!!!”

B.   Make a phone call/video call to a church friend, or post to social media while loudly exclaiming…”Hey Betty/Jeb/Sue-Sue ketch this, look at this nastiness!  I tell you, God is coming back for His world!!”

 

 

C.   (Real nice and sweet or professional, the Jesus way (Matthew 5 3:10) – even so that no one else can hear, and whisper a prayer before you go…)  “Hi guys, if I could just share with you for a few seconds, My name is Anthony, I used to live in sin, used to do all kinds of stuff, but this man Jesus showed me a better way to live and that by living for Him, I found peace and He changed my behavior.  I tried and tried but I couldn’t do it on my own.  Would you like to live for Him also? (if Yes, repeat after me: Father In Jesus name you are awesome! I confess I’ve lived in sin. Please forgive me. I ask Jesus to come inside of my heart and live inside of my heart today in Jesus’ Name Amen. or Would you like me to pray with you  - Father, you are glorious! Thank you for sending Jesus to the earth. Here are Charles and Ethan I pray that you will open their eyes in the spirit, show them your way and may they come to know you as their Lord and Savior In Jesus Name Amen. Then leave with them two gospel tracts – I particularly love “The Father’s Love Letter”  I got it one day at the dentist, (no less!) the attendant, a Christian, was told by Jesus to get it from her car and give it to me.  Bold.  And it just so happened that this was an answer to prayer for I so badly needed to hear from God that day and he came through for me big time!  In this Grace dispensation, God is not about Rules and Regulations…He’s about the other ‘R’…Relationship…with you….who….me…..yeess….youuu!

Clearly, only one of the above is the Christian way; Everything else is the world, or a cop-out.  If you’re a friend of the world, you’re not a friend of God.

You can only attract with honey not sour limes. 

It’s the God The Father, Jesus The Son and Holy Spirit that tugs on the heart and saves, not you, but Jesus needs the opportunity to do so, so you have to be available and willing to be used.

So What if they said no or behave rude to you at first? Maybe there’s a story behind it, work through it, keep on pressing but not rudely. Be conversational but don’t be entangled then lose track of where you were lead by letting them take you in twisted weird scenarios and ‘what if’s’. Just present and move on.  The enemy is very slick. Stay grounded. 

Don’t let ‘self’ creep in. You can’t save anybody.  Greater is The Holy Spirit of God in you than theirs. Be confident.  It may be the first time you’ve ever done anything like this, and you may be anxious and nervous, but its time for you to come out of your own shell or cocoon.  Be bold, be emboldened. God is.  Present Jesus and what He has done for you. Maybe they’ve been hurt or insulted by other Christians before, screaming the Bible but no love behind it especially seeing the examples above in ’A’ and ‘B’ You win souls by sharing what Jesus has done for you.  Your story, your testimony…(hey, isn’t this the basis of the sales industry, no?...what has this product done for you? What has that product done for you, Etc. etc., your testimony.)

Some people just know only one type of behavior and they live it.  You don’t get to judge but you do get to present Jesus. And that’s on you…and me (Mark 16:15). In addition, if you’re on that plane or train and are seen knocking back several shots, breath stinking of alcohol, you…kinda…lost your validity to witness or testify effectively, or if you were rude to a fellow passenger or to the staff.  Have Jesus in you wherever you go and in whatever you do.

 

I had to forgive 500 people – the whole congregation at church, a few times; didn’t even know all their names, I just did it en-masse.  I did it for me.  I needed to heal.  I was tired.

Here's a song that can describe how I felt during this period  its You Don't Know by Zacardi Cortez
 

 

THE STRUGGLE WAS REAL!

The focus of this chapter is to help you come out of sexual deviances.  I did overcome homosexuality and its spirit.  Here’s how:  I went to an evangelical crusade at church.  The visiting minister, a powerful Woman of God, she was working the altar call attendees – remember ‘that thing’ that I mentioned earlier, that moves in your belly, making you excited and craving??  So she put her hand on my belly and gave it a real gently push then walked away…I felt something move, no, come together in my lower belly as I’m standing there in the midst of everybody.  She then does an about turn, comes back to me and pushes my belly once more. Harder, still while ministering on the microphone, Like she is pushing my belly into my spine, and she does it real quick and then I literally feel ‘something’ fall out of me like it fell out onto the floor.  It was gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was set free just like that.  It was gone.  In the days that followed and for quite some time after, I didn’t regard a man as a sexual object anymore, but rather a fellow human being.  I thought and celebrated “I’m straight” over and over in my mind and my mind got the message. This is what straight people feel like; It felt great, I felt light, refreshed; I was delivered.  I no longer had overpowering lusts either – those two both walk hand in hand, empowering each other.  This went on for some time…

Y’know, the devil is disgusting?!

So I was enjoying my newfound freedom for quite a while then suddenly one night we were out and out of the ‘clear blue’ night sky, my beautiful wife announces that she’s enjoys being by the gym…so she can basically lust after the men there……..???????????????........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

My spirit sank.  I was at once plunged into my childhood and young man state of insecurities.  I thought to myself, “So what, I’m not good enough for you??”  That morphed into  “I’m not good enough for her” :-/

What caused all this?  I really did not know about a lot of this spiritual kind of war at the time – I should have covered her and constantly prayed for her strength and protection from these   influences.  I didn’t.  She being a stronger Christian than I, I thought “She’s fine, she strong”; I was mistaken.  She might have been strong spiritually, but not immune to the enemy.  Even Jesus our Lord encountered the enemy but did not fall.  (Luke 22:53)  Now here she was being used against me, and she didn’t even know it.  I turned to the internet.  I started to watch the bad stuff all over again.  It felt so strange like revolting strange;  Like I was forcing myself to watch it, fighting against The Holy Spirit.  I gave myself good logic too…I needed to compare myself again to appease my ego,  and to make myself feel better.  It’s like the urinal psychology all over again that some men do…and, I knew I was good, measurement-wise, I mean I really shouldn’t have been watching that stuff all over again.  Jesus was desperately trying to pull me out of where I was going, headlong gone away from Him.  How did I know?, There was an ad featuring a representation of Jesus that kept on popping up over and over and over again – and I kept ignoring it…because I was angry.  I was being ‘told’ by the enemy to blame her for what I was doing.

Hours passed. My spirit felt so stained, filthy, dirty:  I could feel Jesus saying to me…”What are you doing??”, “What have you done??”  If only I had known….

Of course. Over a period of time, because I was reopening my doors to lusts and deviances, they came right in again.  (Luke 11 24:26)  At first very, very mildly, very innocent-like; to allude to a very noted African preacher, he said in his book, the chains of sexual perversion are too weak to be felt at first, till they become too strong to be broken. I thought, “ I got this.  I didn’t. 

                                                                

                                                    ****************  

                                           

I was still under the oppression of  the sin-conscious, self-sabotage-punishment mindset rather than the realization of Jesus’ AMAZING GRACE just like the song says. There was nothing easy about the process of shedding the habits and influence and spirit of homosexuality the second time.  Visual lusts (lust of the eyes – 1 John 2:16) came after me hard.  Back when I was walking in sin, like so many men, I had a porno habit.  It started when I was about 6 years old.  I don’t blame my dad for getting me hooked, He didn’t.  No matter where he hid them in the house, and he hid ‘em realllly good, but I’d find them.  I used to think that we had the same mind, now I know I was being influenced by a spirit.  So by the time I got into high school and friends would bring their own stash, I was already hooked.  Lust of the eyes. 

Years later to present day, My eyes were behaving as if they were under strange control; I would be driving along and at the speed of thought the following thought would manifest:

Oh-your-looking-straight-ahead-too-long-you-need-to-turn-and-look-over-there…

and with pinpoint, bullseye accuracy and speed, my focus would land squarely on someone’s  groin area, or breasts or some such persons’ body parts who I had not even seen before and didn’t even know they were there.  It was as if my eyes were under some kind of control, other than mine…like a remote control.  Jesus died and was resurrected and gained power over this.  Its called lust of the eyes.  It too is a spirit.  Even straight men have this spirit….straight women too.  A woman can be married and her eyes wander across the scene to meet gaze with other men.  I saw this spirit represented yesterday as I lay on the floor prostrate before my Lord in prayer.  I saw it like it was a…you ever seen a weather balloon, full and round with a very long neck?  I saw it like that but smaller, grey and red and full of eyes around it.  Weird.

“Lord, why does this spirit still have controlling ability over my eyes? I have confessed it, bound it, rebuked it”: I have come to realize, when I’m done with this work He will deliver me aka Hurry Up! 

Because I was verbally and emotionally abused, especially when preachers pointed hurtful words toward me because of what they heard, those words stuck and held fast. Yes it is true that words are more damaging than sticks and stones.  Now I really thought I was facing gloom and doom from God:  I was married, my wife loves me - we constantly work out our differences; my family loves me, my brother loves me, my dad loves me, but I still felt so unloved.  Take a look into my private thoughts.  You’ll realize…The struggle was really real:

 

“I come Lord Jesus confessing  I’ve been having thoughts and feelings, floods of overpowering thoughts. Deliver me JESUS and not slay me”

 
Lord Jesus I'm really trying to not have the thoughts I used to have or to look at men the way I used to.  But It's so hard, what's a strategy?  Please show me because I feel so guilty all the time... 

“I have nowhere to turn...I turn to thee Father...I confess to you and then I see the cross = love on a car, on two cars left and right of me…on a car that crosses all the lanes to position in front of me, then I see it...no, you show it to me because I would not have seen it on my own.  I see you God! I Thank you, Amen.....but other times God I see your hard words God and I am terrified...I open my app or even the Bible...and right there as the pages fall...words of destruction and disgrace in the prophets....God who do I turn to? The devil wants me dead and now it seems you do too. Lord Jesus please HELP MEEEEEEE!!!” This always seemed to occur after a lust of the eyes incident.  Right afterwards

 

 

The struggle was real...

God’s response?...He sent His word to comfort me!...Bible apps that I subscribe to (YouVersion) would send messages exactly when I needed it

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13 is one such.

At particularly hard junctures after failing and failing and failing to keep my eyes from straying all over the place....and failing some more in the battle with the spirit of lust, this song would come...’Is your all at the altar of sacrifice laid’...See this is hard for a strong independent man who saw raw survival from his fiercely independent grandmother and fiercely independent mom; both of whom fought life to survive, raising kids basically without male help, or more precisely, on their terms to again have to yield.  How was I supposed to yield?  I didn’t have a clue how.  I just didn’t know how.  I couldn’t watch TV without finding myself drawn to and being somehow sexually interested in every male  character in soaps, the news, commercials, movies, internet videos…it was becoming ridiculous.  I was  coming out…of homosexuality, but it was chasing me down breathlessly😒 ; nevertheless God again sent His word…

Submit to God, Resist the devil and he will flee from thee, James 4:7

When you glance at someone casually with no meaning behind it, that’s ok.  It’s the second look-that’ll getcha!  That’s the one lust uses to reel you in because you just took the bait.  Third look?  It’s all over,  I know you believe me because you have personal exprience with it, you know its true!

 

He also gave me songs; at the moment of conflict or uncertainty, in a quiet moment, I would suddenly hear a song high up in my spirit or on a device and it touched me. You can look at them on YouTube or purchase them! Click the link.

 

Shut di do keep out di devil... Tri-City Singers

I know the peacemaker... Heritage Singers

The Potter’s House…(Original by Tramaine Hawkins or cover by Jerard and Javaun)

Even a Bob Marley…Every liddle ting gonna be arright...!! (this was in traffic one day)

There is no bondage…Jennie O. and Anthony Brown

ABBA I belong to you....Leon Timbo

Jesus you love me too much oh… (When I was feeling soo unloved the most)

Victory belongs to Jesus - Todd Dulaney (When the attacks from the enemy intensified so, so badly, I)…

I will never be the same again - Heritage Singers 

​I won't turn back - William Mcdowell - The Holy Spirit woke me up with this one several mornings around 3 - 4 am

Out of Hiding - Tye Tribbett The Holy Spirit gave me this one on my smart speaker and I had to include it here

There is God - Donnie McClurkin

And these are not just nice sounding songs, there are lines in these songs that spoke to either my struggle, or  great distress to encourage me; and they came at just the right time. Sent by a power that cared for me and saw my yearning.​

​

But when I started seeing images of dead relatives over and over like I was being threatened by the enemy in the spirit...
Jesus I need more time... I really wanna see this to the end. Can I please have. More time? His answer....I’ll still say yes to you again (done by a recording group from the 80’s)  God will use whatever tools there are available do do His will.  Are you

available?

 

To actively come out of homosexuality, you must make an active decision to do so.  You must be intentional.  You have seen thus far that becoming straight and getting rid of that spirit from out of you and your blood lineage does mean a complete outlook change, but is it worth it?  Yes it is!  You are the Head and not the tail.  You have to surrender your life and your walk to Jesus for Him, who is Spirit, to take on/take out this spirit from you.  You can’t do it alone.  You can do things in faith to prime the recovery of your sexuality; Faith without works is dead, right? One key thing is if you are into a partnership or relationship with a same sex partner, you have to end it – no matter the stress, the tears, the inconvenience, the arguing, the guilt making,  being humble apologize to your parents who kicked you out and ask them to forgive you and let you back home ...( I know, this one is tough, but you need to do it so you can have safe harbour as you begin your journey, and share this book with them); the emotional ups-and-downers, you have to end the relationship.  Please do take the opportunity to talk to your significant other and hopefully you both will make that decision.  If there’s going to be a big emotional scene, then make a good decision how to handle it, even bring a friend of family member for added safety, or do it in a public space such as a library, book store, a quiet bread-based restaurant..(you know the ones).

So here I was aiming to come out of this influence altogether.  I really wanted to unburden.  I passionately felt I had to tell someone at church...but sadly I knew I couldn't.  My ideal scenario was that someone would volunteer and tell me their fallen state first, their vulnerability, their imperfection, then I'd confess my own.  There is a part in the Bible that says that if a person is afflicted and needs healing/completeness, he or she needs to confess i.e. tell someone...only problem was....who was I going to tell...(?) (Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. James 5:16)

You think God is some old guy with a long beard and wields some shaky old cane...oh no!  In His Mercy, He heard me, with exactly what I needed and wanted...Ketch this...!

So back while I was in high school, there was a breakout Christian movement among some students.  Some called it a disturbance, (well, the assistant principal thought so!) nevertheless, because I was a Christian, I went to the free sessions as well as the lunchtime prayer and praise meetings.  There was a girl there...Simone;  Simone was so staunch and in my eyes, the perfect Christian.  She prayed easily, she cried in praise and prayer, she reached out and connected like a plug a into a socket; she was there, in the presence of God, like right away! And I'd be like..."What about me??  Nevertheless we lost contact through the years and lo and behold we both ended up in The USA, and by the phenomenon called Facebook we reconnected.  She did prayers via messenger and was still in the faith going strong.  Some time after we connected, I noticed that whenever something was going on in my life - stress, fears, mental anguish, she'd publish a prayer that spoke to THE EXACT thing I was experiencing! So I learned to pay attention to her meditations and prayers because It was obvious she was hearing from God...for me.  This continued for some time.  We also got to developing a good rapport. She one day out of the blue as we were chatting, she told me that during a most difficult time in her life while she was married but undergoing horrendous abuse, she did what many women would do in that circumstance, searching for love, compassion, safety; she stepped out on her abusive husband; she just told me, just like that. 

Y'know...sometimes we men can take a minute to "get it"...

I very distantly realized that my prayer was answered right at that moment to begin the process of my healing...but I didn't quite 'get it'  I could almost imagine Pappa God rolling His eyes, exclaiming, "Really!!??" "Seriousamente!!??"  So what did He do?  A while passed, some months really; I was really harping God regarding: "I really need someone to talk to, I really need to tell this, I wanna tell this to somebody I can trust, someone who will tell me their story first so I can feel confident to share my deep dark wound, someone who was a Christian but won't judge me!"  Y'know what happened,  she suddenly up after several, several months later in another conversation, told me about her situation once more and do you think I told her my situation?  Not at first.  Like a perfect hypocrite, I nicely let the conversation come to an end and said not a word.  God has a way of standing in your spirit, seemingly with hands akimbo, with a glare that a loving father has when He's saying, "You asked for the opportunity, I gave it to you, twice, and you're not going to tell her???" 

I messaged her.  I couldn't say it. I couldn't.  I messaged her and told her my story.  She read it, she called me and we talked about it. 

I WAS HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Holy Spirit gave her a blueprint for me to follow, some time after.  I thought reading the whole bible was going to lift this thing outta me, but God wanted to give me more specifics:

​Please read this next section everyday for strength.  If you don't you will have no strength to resist when the enemy comes around as you will see later on.  Read this next section everyday:

All these instructions are linked to the scriptures that are underlined as links; if you don't have a Bible handy, just click or touch the underlined scripture  link.  Don't be afraid, Don't be afraid.  You've come this far. After you read each one, just use the back button on your device or click back on your computer to return to this site.

"1. I reject it, I confess to God, to someone in the body; I reject it/ James 5:16

 2.  Take the leap of faith, tell it.  (I was afraid)

 3.  Don't give the enemy any more legal right to torment me

 4. Keep it confidential

 5. There is someone who is praying with me

 6. Reject it

 7. Use the Word of Truth John 17:17.  Sanctify myself with truth deliver myself John 17:17 The Lord will fight for me St. John               17:12

 8. Stay on the highway of The Lord.  Look not to the left nor to the right (Proverbs 4:20-27)

 9. It's coming from somewhere and I must command it to leave.  Use my tongue with The Word of Life to loose myself from the       shackles of satan

 10. The tongue can create atmosphere and draw presence ie. Good Angels/bad angels

 11. And confess what's in my heart, If I'm being truthful, that's what I'm gonna confess:  Death and life are in the power of the           tongue Proverbs 18:21

 12. I must confess my state each time I pray.  Denounce the evil plan each time

She gave me more...

13. Deliver myself from the spirit of sodom/unnatural/inordinate affection.

People in society have been bewitched by satan to believe a lie.  Inordinate affection does not come from God.  It is not just another acceptable way of living.  This is not how The Creator made me to be.  The first act of faith is to reject and denounce this lie of being different.

God made man and woman, Genesis 1:27-28, Genesis 2:21-24, Romans 6, Romans 7:23-25, Romans 8:1-23

Open doors where the spirit of unnatural affection enter from:-

     Generational curses, ungodly practices, refusing to have God in their thoughts Genesis 13:13, Genesis 19:4-11, 

Through trauma, open wounds of emotional loss, also trauma resulting in needing physical care such as hospitalization and the           caregiver is gay (actually happened to me...he was so motivated to bathe me, constantly circling back to offer me a bath,               insisted on offering me  a bath, constantly, constantly, I protested that my wife already did, I was getting angry, but I                       remembered where I was, it was the ICU, that time when the enemy tried to finish me.  God said no. Thank you God.  The             caregiver wore me out, all hooked up to tubes and monitors, (Deep breath and sigh comes out of my lungs here, do I really           wanna write this?  I have had to face soo much of my life to write this book), He                       happened to brush on me while going                     around the bed; I noticed he was 'excited'.  God please get me outta here! I just want to           be   home   with my family.               Yeah.  Trauma. 

Y'know, I forgave him?  I forgave him and let it go.  (otherwise I would have made a big case out of it, sued the hospital, but no, I let it go and moved on. I serve a God of mercy and second chances. I was in the ICU because he gave me a chance.)

Continuing with open doors:-

     Grieving in the extreme, pain, unforgiveness, insecurity, fear, anxiety, vulnerability, by evil association, drugs, perverseness           from mother's house, perverseness from father's house, (blood lineage), through initiation (think cult or societies), violent             atmospheres (e.g. abusive households), from birth, abuse and evil practices resulting in emotional disorientation. 

These demons are trying to go against the Laws of God  (and they shall NOT use me to do so!!!)

All these scriptures are linked to the verses, if you don't have a Bible handy, just click or touch the link.  Don't be afraid, Don't be afraid.  These words were delivered to me in loving compassion.  I present them to you the same.

Colossians 3:5  Romans 1:26-27  Romans 2:7  Galatians 5  Romans 12:2  Genesis 33:12 Genesis 32:12  Zephaniah 3:13

Zephaniah 3:17   Zephaniah 3:16  Jeremiah 31:10-14  Jeremiah 31:16-23 

1 Corinthians 4:14-16  James 5:12  James 5:16 

The Scriptures (The Bible) warns about these evil practices. 

Now, you will face temptation, even in your mind by imaginations planted there by the enemy, whether of things you used to do (to try to make you feel that you're not forgiven after you've confessed and come clean to God...),  to try to get you to go back into darkness, or things you may have seen and overcome which is now being brought back for a round two to see if you'll bite. Lemme tell you this...so yesterday, (it's 2:32 am as I write this), yesterday I went to the dentist and was brought in by a nice pleasant tech.  She had just ushered me to the chair and I literally stretched out on the recliner, preparing to enjoy the promising beautiful scenery of palm trees and other flora, glass windows and architecture, several stories downstairs as a distraction from the cleaning I was about to do, when I gazed through the slatted window, taking it all in from left to right, wind blowing in the trees, my eyes taking it all in, then I visually landed on some guy's lap...literally....right...there....right-there, all the way downstairs.   It was as if 'X' marked the spot.  Seriously.  HOW does this even happen??  I never even saw him there before.  HOW??  So since I know you'll go through this and things like these and judge and be hard on yourselves, Please listen to  what Peter has to say:

1 Peter 1:3-7   and 13    and 16

​1 Peter 2:11   and 25 

...Are you slowly getting it that God wants you closer, closer to Him, and is gently calling us out of sin and shame of what we used to do? No? 

Then check this out... 2 Corinthians 13:11    Anxious? Matthew 26:25-33

...And you gotta listen to God in this tender loving song, as you imagine him tenderly washing  you, your screw-ups earlier today, away...when you can't seem to shake the guilt:  here it is

Stand by there's more...

The scripture warns about these evil practices.

(Softly say) I confess the finished work of the cross; I plead the finished work of the cross.

​Psalm 103: 8-22  Isaiah 41:10-13  Psalm 96:9-10  Psalm 98:3  Psalm 91  Psalm 94:12-17   

Colossians 2:20-22  then  Colossians 4, 6, 7, 8  Romans 8:35-39  

And also 

​1 Thessalonians 2:13   1 Thessalonians 5:22  1 Corinthians 6:19  1 Thessalonians 4:1-8  1 Peter 4 :13  16 , 1,  2,

* Don't be afraid, God is on my side. Psalm 118:6 

* Start to act it out, (Walk By Faith)

* I'm Free!

* Continue to declare the work of Faith

* Worship God

* Declare God

* I'm hidden with Christ in God

* God is chasing after me

* I'm the apple of His eye!

And what is God going to do?...

Isaiah 42:16
King James Version

16 And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them.​

​

Confessions:

We make the following confessions out loud or vocalize them/release them into the atmosphere because there is life and death in the tongue.  (Proverbs 18:21)  If your environment is not discreet, you may mutter quietly till you are able to shout or speak with determination.  One of the most powerful confessions  is the first one:

 

I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me

I’m straight.  You spirit and influence of sexual deviance, you’re bothering me illegally.  Get out of my way in the Name of Yeshua!!!

I overcome sexual deviances by The Blood Of The Lamb and By The Word Of My Testimony  (Based on Revelation 12:11)

I declare victory belongs to Jesus 

I nail sexual deviances to the Cross of Calvary

Lord Jesus please wash my sexual organs in your Blood.  (Let me explain this one ...when Jesus was whipped mercilessly, every human condition/illness/malady was overcome by the Blood that was cast from His body.  This is seen in a book of The Bible named and written by a Prophet called Isaiah in the 53rd Chapter and Verse 5 which says:  But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.  Then, when they dragged Him out to be crucified, that Blood that poured out from His Body upon the cross and after He died, was even more precious.  He took that beating for you, for me, so that we, by simply believing on Him and applying our hearts unto Him, can escape that punishment, because He already took it.  Watch "The Passion of The Christ" on Amazon. You'll see it. Rent it...it's only $3.99. That Blood having entered the earth realm, is not just physical but also spiritual,  gave His believers His power and authority over all conditions, things, illnesses,  concerns, deviances, pressures, influences, and so on.  So having had all kinds of sex with sexual organs that He gave us to use in purity as unto God, which we have used for our own wanton careless pleasure - whether as gay, straight womanizer, gigolo, etc, etc, that's why we ask that He wash them by His Blood as we re-dedicate them and our whole being unto Him. (Double parentheses...So why are so many people afflicted with so many conditions worldwide you may ask?  Because many Christians do not know their full potential, many have been weakened by following religion or other people and not Jesus.) You who are reading this, can you be closer to Jesus? Can you follow Jesus the way He wants?  Can you be a better Christian than I am...than we are?  Some of you already have such big and influential and magnanimous personalities just waiting to come into Christ so He can lead you into Him and mold you into who you were supposed to be...especially since you already know you were born for far greater things than you are doing now...you just feel it, it's planted in your soul from conception, you were created for more than a 9-5 or $10.00 per hour...but anyway, these are your confessions for strength, I had to explain the blood washing to you.  Lets continue...

Declaration: I cover my sexuality with The Blood Of The Lamb In Jesus Name.

Enemy, I recover my sexuality from you In Jesus Name

I release all stubborn resistances hindering my God – Given sexuality, to Yeshua  

I lay down______________ at The Feet Of Jesus (insert from the below as applicable)

I refuse to feel excited because another man is interested in me

I no longer find my worth in a man.  I will no longer let a man define who I am.  I am Yeshua's.

Blasphemies

Pedophilia - Sexualization of children (for either a man or a woman…remember those female teachers who slept with their young teenage male students)


Bestiality - Sexualization of animals (for either a man or a woman…)

Bisexuality

Homosexuality:-

Sexualization of men (for a male) To see men as sexual objects - any man; to think of his size, his sexual prowess and how you can control him or make him sexually submissive, 

(Lesbianism):- Sexualization of women (for a woman) To see women as sexual objects - any woman; to think of her bust size, shape, her sexual prowess and how you can control her or make her sexually submissive,

Sexual disgrace – Having your name, being, and reputation associated with sexual offence or misconduct and being spoken of constantly, year in, year out




Comparison

Fornication

Adultery

Carnal imagination or Carnality (steady stream of sexual thoughts and speech manner, non-stop and becoming more & more outlandish or offbeat, some are even criminal if carried out).  (For me, this got so bad, I couldn't even pray without being distracted, seeing penises, testicles, erections and sex acts, popping up into view behind my closed eyes, totally sidetracking me from my prayers...not because I wanted to see them, but because I was distressed.  I'd be in prayer..."Lord Jesus, I need you right now, I'm going through this burden, my heart is soo heavy with, then suddenly,...**POP! BIG ERECTION IMAGE!!!** Its like a pop-up virus on a computer screen when you're trying to get work done.  THAT  WAS THE EXACT EFFECT...THANK YOU GOD FOR TELLING ME THIS EXPLANATION JUST NOW...IT'S PERFECT!!! You can't imagine the agony of this particular attack.  And because I hadn't been sleeping well for over a year, my mind was so weakened.  Who could I tell about this? What friend? Which church people? Only Jesus. But I had to be functioning like a normal man and church man during all of this.  (Who was I going to tell by James 5:16?) 

Lust

Incest

Phallic Symbolism – you have spontaneous imagery or penis and erection-like thoughts or images from any object sticking up or out, not just those certain vegetables

Adultery

Generational Sexual iniquity

Sexual attachment

Soul ties  - whenever you perform any kind of sexual anything with anyone, intended or not, you keep aspects of their spirit bound to you; the more partners, the more baggage/demons/problems.  You must perform a divorce ceremony in prayer and withdraw your spirit, soul, mind and body from theirs.  Start with a confession, go before Yeshua in prayer. Name names. Can’t remember all the names?  Holy Spirit, please bring back to my memory, the faces so I may confess, then sit quietly and wait.  You’ll see them.  Talk about embarrassing confessions?  Yeah.  That’s why God wanted sex in marriage the way He ordered and ordained it.  But we went south, way south of His will and did our own thing.  You might be saying…”but I used to be wild in college and I don’t have any sexual problems”  I say to you…can you see your own tomorrow? Do you know what’s heading your way?  You have your kids, little Chrissy and Little Matt, do you know what’s in their sexual future as adults…and hopefully no one messes with their sexuality as children before they even become adults.   Can you really tell how the enemy is planning to target you or your bloodline sexually, strategizing against you like a Sunday afternoon Buffet of choices...only frightening, not delicious?  Remember everything has consequences.

Sexual stimuli with inanimate objects

Fornication

BDSM

Masturbation

Oral Sex

Cross Dressing

Transgender

Prostitution, turning tricks, performing sexual favors strictly for receiving benefits

Plushie

Feederism

Human Sex Trafficking

Lust of the eyes

Lust of the flesh

Genital mutilation

Financial distress – even leading to thoughts of prostitution, actual prostitution, (gigolo, male; escort services, female and all the other names you can think of or know…)

Human sex trafficking  

Fear of Lost Soul

Fear

Fear of women

Fear of men

Impotence

Frigidity

Doubt

Sexually Transmitted Diseases

Sexual battery

Pornography

Broken sexuality

Low sexual drives

Sex hormones out of balance

Fear of sex

Scornful mindset towards normal heterosexual or male-female sex

Exhibitionism

 

 

Pray strength for someone you know is XGA, or has a sexual issue or even if you don’t know for sure, but might have heard or suspect.  It’s amazing what breakthroughs you will have.  Call up their names to God and watch what happens!  Consider others to be better than yourselves. It’s a Biblical principle. (Philippians 2:3)

Confess you the marital scriptures everyday preferably in the morning. Why? Because the homosexual spirit will very likely have appeared during your dreams at night or in the daytime (it doesn't care) as sexually explicit homosexual dream content, and you must counteract it with speed...(yess that dream, that was it!!!) The moment you awaken rebuke it...its trying to re-ensnare you and take control of you once again. If it took you over as a baby or even as helpless fetus, but things are different now...you're grown....If you're doing this expulsion on behalf of a child that has already expressed gender dissatisfaction/dissociation, encourage them to tell you their dreams every morning if possible. Review one of these scriptures a day with the child in question.  What…You think that the kid is too young to start confessing scriptures??  Do you think that the sexually deviant spirit thinks the kid is too young?...Remember I was a child when all this was launched upon me.  I didn’t even know what was going on.

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Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord. Proverbs 18:22

And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that He which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.  Matthew 16:4-6

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Colossians 3:18-19

Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge Hebrews 13:4

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies Proverbs 31:10

A man's heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps Proverbs 16:9

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word. Ephesians 5:25-26

Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. 1 Corinthians 7:2

And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18

When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken.  Deuteronomy 24:5

And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.  Genesis 2:22-24

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Ephesians 5:22-23

Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee.  Song of songs 4:7

Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.  1 Corinthians 7:3-4

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.  1 Peter 3:7

For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.  Ephesians 5:31

So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.  Ephesians 5:28

I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, my soul shall be joyful in my God; for he hath clothed me with the garments of salvation, he hath covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decketh himself with ornaments, and as a bride adorneth herself with her jewels. Isaiah 61:10

Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33

Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. Matthew 5:27-28

House and riches are the inheritance of fathers: and a prudent wife is from the Lord.  Proverbs 19:14

Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. Leviticus 18:22

 

 

 

 

Here are some daily confessions you can use in your quiet alone moments to strengthen yourselves: 

Lord Jesus I welcome you into my Heart

Lord Jesus I need to be healed

Lord Jesus, Son of The Living God, please come into my heart right now...right now...into this place where a huge hole exists because I've been broken into by this, this trauma, this (name it...) which changed me from who you made...

Lord Jesus, please re-write my story until it looks like your book of me in Heaven (Psalms 40: 7 and Hebrews 10: 7 yes, there's an actual book of you in Heaven :)

Lord Jesus I welcome you into my sexuality

Lord Jesus, please be Lord in my/this area/wherever I have a stubborn issue

I release all stubborn resistances hindering my true God – Given sexuality to Yeshua

Confess; I’m straight!  (and if thoughts should come to tempt you, silently confess…”I’m straight, you spirit of homosexuality you are here illegally. God made me straight. I declare and decree I am straight.  I am an overcomer.  I have overcome the world by the Blood of The Lamb and the word of my testimony.  I therefore overcome you spirit of inordinate affection by the Blood of The Lamb and by the word of my testimony. I bind you spirit of inordinate affection The Lord rebuke thee as it is written.  Depart from me  in Yeshua’s Name!)

Lord Jesus please conform my sexuality to The Father’s original plan.

I am an overcomer. 

The song says:

“Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face and the things of this earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His Glory and Grace”.  The more you draw close to Yeshua and sit at his feet without distractions like Mary (Luke 10:38), growing more and more spiritually in Him as you do, the weaker the pull of temptations of the flesh become…until they are gone...(and I’m writing this for myself also). Enquire of Him! 😊

 

 

 

Seven chapters, I was planning on ten but God wanted otherwise.  I have shown you my life.

For every gay man out there, (hopefully you are reading this, please spread this book you who are reading this now!) there is a woman that God designed to be your wife, and she’s perfect for you. For every gay woman out there, (hopefully you are reading this, please spread this book you who are reading this now!) there is a man that God designed to be your husband, and he’s perfect for you.  Stop searching all over the place…only be ready…ask God to heal your sexuality.  Pray for your spouse before you even meet them.  Ask God to cover them, protect them from accidents and harm; ask God to bless them financially, help them make good decisions, and for His will to be done in their life now, your life now, and your lives together in the future and never stop praying even after you do get married.  And when you do get married, kip your eyes in your marriages!!!!!

That 50% divorce rate in the world today is ludicrous.  It’s not Gods' will  and must be challenged in the spirit with prayerful warfare.

 

 

If you’ve had a great relationship with your biological father…you’ll grasp this upcoming statement very easily; if however, you’ve had a tumultuous relationship with your Dad or perhaps none at all, you might have difficulty”…God your maker loves you.  Period.  Done.

Your real Papa is waiting for you; not the one who raped you or beat you mercilessly, or beat your mother, or who was hardly ever there, chasing after every woman or (everything that moved) in the neighborhood, your real Papa, your ABBA, Father, (Romans 8:15) the one who gave you life. Will you come home to Him today? Return home. He's waiting.

  
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We were working in the garage for quite a few hours and my  feet became quite swollen so I put my feet up for a few minutes then commented to my beautiful wife about my feet, who snapped back, and responded with a very cold….”You should be helping me”!  I felt hurt and was afterwards becoming very testy. I faced the discussion I'm my head and gut. In the end I told my belly. "Its a sign of spiritual maturity to forgive outright without asking for an apology and not even to discuss that matter, which could/would lead to an argument"....then...as I hot-glued the opening of this cooler shut., the glue cooled, showing that cool heavenly reflection.

                                                                                      Insert photo here

It wasn’t easy to move on from my feelings.. But I did and God agreed with me!...2 seconds later...as I'm walking, I feel a sharp pinch in the sole of my foot...suppm's into my flip flop...its this piece o'glass. I guess the enemy didn't like my breakthrough!! Here is the actual underside of my flip flop with the actual piece of glass shard!  This is real guys!

(I don't want to be gay or bisexual anymore.  Jesus, mine has not been a cool easy journey.  Is it because I bear in my bosom, the reproach of all the mighty people (in my bloodlines between me and Adam and between me and Eve)?? 

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Tips For Success

1. Pray over yourselves constantly.  "Lord Jesus, thanks for saving me, taking me out of bondage, I pray for continued strength that I stay in your arms and care, and walk behind you leading me. I confess The Word of Almighty God in Psalm 16 verse 8 which says I have set the Lord always before me: because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved.  I pray for my wife (if you're a man, or ~husband if you are a woman)  that you remove all hindrances from between us and that you will be in our marriage all the way and that we are married to you.  I also pray for anyone else who is also on the XGA road that you strengthen them, open doors for them, guide them to your will in Jesus Name, amen.

1b. Lord Jesus, I bless your Holy Name.  Lord I just wanna tell you this...It was hard at first to tell you these things, because I was made to feel that you would strike me with lightning or let the ground open up and swallow me, or kill me.  I now know that these are satans' lies.  ....I used to see every man as a sexual object, thinking of him and imagining ways to please him sexually.  I now know that this is not your intention for me.  Please forgive me Lord.  Please help me so that I no longer do this nor think about it when I see men.  I give these things up to you.  Lord HELP ME. I declare and decree that I no longer see men as sexual objects nor have imaginations about them, In Jesus Name. 

1c.  Lord Jesus, please remove the march, the flavour, the power, the taste of homosexuality from my being and my life in Jesus Name  and please do it for all the other readers of this book, for anyone else in this state of change and help us to feel about it the way you do In Jesus Name I pray, Amen

2.  Get medical check-ups.  Ensure that you are clean...very clean

3.  Physical tips  Guys, If you've only had sex with men and you are terrified/worried/concerned/ your first time with a woman, ie your wedding night,  how you will perform IF you'll be able TO perform, if you'll be ridiculed, if you'll have to bear ridicule, if you'll distress her...etc...etc...Don't worry!! :) First of all, as you plan your marriage, start confessing the Word of God again!!...wait, you mean there's a place in 'theee' Bible for sexual concerns like this??  Yes.  You didn't think that the God who actually made sexual organs and determined how they function and what sex is all about, didn't write some kind of instructions for your specific worry didja??  Well He did.  Ready?  

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me! Philippians 4:13 

Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. Proverbs 5:19

As you imagine your wedding night and honeymoon, and all the sex you are going to have, don't be tempted to think for one minute that you have to have anal sex with her because that's how you have been comfortable, or that's how some actress in the porno films you used to watch (yes...used to, it's the past now), did.  Your marriage is not a porno film, your wedding night is not and will not be a movie set, and your wife is not some porno actress.  You will however have foreplay which is a discovery.  It's a discovery of her body and of your body...Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.  1 Corinthians 7:3-4 ...Sweett!! Her body is yours ie. you get to play with and discover her wonderful lady parts, and your body is hers!  She gets to play with and discover your powerful man parts.  And lemme tell you, one of the sweetest things about my honeymoon is that I finally relaxed in my mind...that I could give my physical self in a clean whole way sexually to her without reservations or concerns, and this was very empowering to me.  I came alive! THIS is what God intended!!! 

Some of you have suffered such horrible torture and abuse, it's done a number on your mind and confidence.  While you are on your journey out, you may speak to your doctor and get a prescription for one of those sexual-help meds for example a low dose cialis  for example...only if you think you should, as your mind and soul and male confidence begins the journey of healing and in preparation for your honeymoon night(s).  You really can say to your doctor exactly why you need it because as far as he/she is concerned, you are a young man whose plumbing works excellently with the benefit of youth.  He doesn't know your soul though..."Doc, I'm getting married soon and I need something for my honeymoon night to make sure everything works under the pressure".  If he/she goes on some loong winded spiel...(trust me...some of them don't know when to can it!)...then you can explain that you are overcoming sexual issues and are finally getting married and need his help for that night.  Follow the medical directions and do your own research.  Please note I am not prescribing nor am I telling you that you should take any medications or that by asking your doctor to prescribe a drug, you can overcome any condition that the drug is purported to treat or otherwise address or for any other condition.

4. Turn your mind from needing or seeking personal validation from men.  You don't need men to notice you.  If you are a female reading this, you don't need other women to notice you either, and for some of you, this may be a daily struggle.  Be validated in God through Jesus Christ.  I speak to you and I speak to myself also.  This is personal.  You are fearfully and wonderfully made by Him;  (read it all then focus on verse 14). All of your parts, structures and your chemistries are all made by Him and not by happenstance;   You are wonderful but the enemy's legal rights against you took you down a path way different from God's will for you.  Jesus knows exactly how He physically and spiritually made you.  You are beautiful  (Go ahead, give a listen)  

​5.  HAVE PLENTY OF SEX WITH YOUR WIFE GUYS...PLENTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND IF YOU'RE A GIRL, HAVE PLENTY OF SEX WITH YOUR HUSBAND LADIES!!! P-L-E-N-T-Y!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Y'know, I'm trying to finish this book, and I can't...I'm not done.  For one I have still been battling lust of the eyes from ever since

I mentioned it earlier.  It's been months. I realize also that the enemy doesn't want this book to be read by you and has been doing all manner of  things to try.  Those of you who know how to pray, pray for successful outcome and for the souls who will be lead by the spirit to discover this work and be changed.  How can I present a book like this and not overcome this hurdle?  By this time I have already learned that some battles are quick and victory is instantly received; then there are other battles that are protracted.  I was becoming so frustrated.  Not to be outdone however was my Lord who has been using a variety of methods to get me to understand that He wants me to wait. Battle through. I went through my season of bawling, storming, pleading, declaring, rebuking;  And He would find a way to tell me to wait on Him...Be Still and know...wait....wait...(you can tell I don't wait very easily).  I would go into a store all concerned about my purchase, then while being alone in the aisle, I would be unaware that I was joined by some random man behind me also shopping; I would find myself swing my head around, and my eyes would land right on his personal area there...and in my mind I' d be like..."Whoa! No! I no longer see men as sexual objects!!"  Why don't my eyes understand this principle? Nevertheless I'd feel guilty that the incident would happen and I'd feel condemned; and I would carry it all day into the next.  This would happen so frequently...and I know I mentioned this to you before but it was still happening.   I was struggling with this till I found someone in that amazing book, The Bible who was also having a similar struggle  not necessarily a gay issue, the Bible does not say... (Man!! I've come to realize that those folks in the Bible were just like literally you and me!!) So here Paul totally understands... I was in my prayer closet* one morning (*from the incredible movie "War Room" a must watch!)  when I stumbled across the following in Romans 7:14-25 and yelled out in great relief: HE GETS IT!!!   HE UNDERSTANDS!!!  PAUL UNDERSTANDS!!  This is what he wrote:

(BTW 'The Torah' or 'The Law' refers to the first five books of The Bible.  That was all they had back then...not the Sixty-Six Books we have in it today...(and yet we still won't read it... :-(

14 For we know that the Torah is spiritual; but I am of the flesh, sold to sin.
15 For I do not understand what I am doing—for what I do not want, this I practice; but what I hate, this I do.
16 But if I do what I do not want to do, then I agree with the Torah—that it is good.
17 So now it is no longer I doing it, but sin dwelling in me.
18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me—that is, in my flesh. For to will is present in me, but to do the good is not.
19 For the good that I want, I do not do; but the evil that I do not want, this I practice.
20 But if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I doing it, but sin that dwells in me.
21 So I find the principle—that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good.
22 For I delight in the Torah of God with respect to the inner man,
23 But I see a different law in my body parts, battling against the law of my mind and bringing me into bondage under the law of sin which is in my body parts.
24 Miserable man that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?
25 Thanks be to God—it is through Messiah Yeshua our Lord! So then, with my mind I myself serve the Torah of God; but with my flesh, I serve the law of sin

...And it'd make perfect sense to end XGA right there on that note, right?...I can't...Things are still unfolding little by little, leedle by leeeedle,...

Today's date is 7/30/2020 I just scanned through my email and saw an email from Faith Gateway, specifically from Carlos Whittaker. I was hooked on the writing style of this excerpt.  Fluid. Familiar. It felt somehow like how I've been writing; Pulling away from and being exhausted by a God I thought I knew...(rules, regulations, who doesn't like me, who cares about everybody else except me, who wants to punish me, I can't-do-this-I-can't-do-that etc., etc.,) I was introduced to as a child, a God I thought I knew about,  a God of Rules and Regulations and Punishment, but finding out that it's not quite so.  That not all that He is.  He IS A LOVING PAPPA! He is a God of incredible incredible, incredible love.  Warm, incredible, incredible love, Pure and innocent and beautiful, caring love; and He shows up just for you as He did me. 

I got up from the computer, went to lay down for a few minutes...(God would reveal something to me that I never quite realized...All my loves/loving/love abilities were all intertwined in my heart.  They were not separated like Godly love, love for a spouse, etc, etc.  They were kinda smooshed together, Resulting from the trauma of my childhood, and all the visual stuff I saw) I had to return to the computer.

When you love God and Jesus so deeply and passionately, you won't want to break His heart!  That's way, way different from a God with a beating stick or a club yelling.."YA CAN'T DO THIS or YA CAN'T DO THAT!!! it's soo different! You get it, right?! That feeling you're feeling right now as you read this, that warmth I'm feeling...That's Him YESS!! Close your eyes.  Feel it.

I looked at Carlos' facebook page....(Nosey, I know)...but I scanned around and saw the video clip, the one with his son's hand....it's a tender moment;  Now I'll make a confession, one which might just embarrass Carlos should he ever read this; He is a (I pause right here, I lift my fingers from the keyboard, stretch them out palms down...I'm about to write something...something that I had struggled with all of my life, something that I've had severe emotional hurt and trauma over in my past, something which is the reason for this book; I guess I'm doing a self check - do I really  want to write this...here...publicly? Should I?  Ok Here it is...   

I take a deep breath, I blow it out

Carlos is one very handsome brother, and the moment with the hand is very tender, pure, but I don't feel lust...

Did you all hear me... I DON'T FEEL LUST!!! AAND The Holy Spirit the Master DJ in my mind has selected this song that I'm suddenly hearing in the background of my mind (follow the link :) He changed me!  See THIS is the God who is!  This is love :-D

I have to stop and Worship this AWWWWESOME God Right here as the song played!!... 

Something is different!

Can you feel it?

Halelluiah!!

You're Real God!

You're so real!!

I've been changed!!

WOWWW!!!

Seriously God you're sooo Gooooddd!!!

This is better than some bootcamp!!

Then...I started on a new project...there were men there...slowly but surely...there it was...coming back...lust...

devil, why don't you just LET me GO???!!!

So I fought a very strong fight...

And because of bad nighttime sleep visitations that I didn't welcome but got...(oh you'all have noo idea! but I won't go into that)

I was so tired, but That was its strategy, to weaken me. I was in the middle of psychological warfare fashioned to weaken me.

Then the one time that I fell into visual lust and coupled with a memory of how I used to size up men's 'appearance', (you can't believe how hard it is to write that)  I sinned.  Yes that devil was right there with all that I used to do and how I used to do it. The accuser of the brethren; I was so angry.  I was upset.  Deeply.  I confessed to Jesus, but I was not letting it go into Him.  Planting it upon Him.  I kept apologising and apologising, confessing and confessing. All day long. I was letting it consume me...WHILE I was at work, smiling, chit-chatting, working, no one knew, all day loong.  

By the time I got home, showered and ate, I was exhausted enough for two people. No four.

But GGGGGGOOOOOODDDDDD WAS NOT GOING TO BE OUTDONNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

I had no reason to go into my gmail on my computer that night, now the next day, but I somehow just 'mosied-on' into gmail.  See, you need to know that yahoo kept me unrestricted in terms of mail quantity - some twenty-odd thousand back then...no not all mine, mostly spam, but gmail was out of space at a few thousand and blocked new mail, so I had stopped using it by reason of that status!  So there was no real reason to log into it.  I had a business back then that was using the gmail and when the business ended, I basically stopped using gmail.  My dearest reader, I can't make this stuff up!  So now, 'my fingers were made to log in to gmail' and this is what I saw....

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I wept, loved on Him and prepared myself for bed.  He cared.  He saw my struggle.  I mean you can see this, right??...you get it right??, again this ain't some little old shaky old man with any shaky wooden walking stick, or worse, beating stick to beat me over the head with because I failed, no...This is Almighty God The one who see's me, El Rai ! (Genesis 16:13) 

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Now I just wanna recognize those of you who have been hurt by family, loved ones, figures of care and authority, siblings, whoever cut your soul raw and wide, God is here for you, He WANTS to HEAL YOU. Your first step is you gotta forgive them.  Forgiveness is for you first, then them afterwards,  Was it a traumatic event? Was your body and soul horribly violated?  Go into your closet while alone or your secret place where you can cry out holler out to God undisturbed, invite Jesus in...(Lord Jesus can you please be in here with me?  I can't do this by myself Lord!!).  Here's the invitation song: https://youtu.be/8Pscxprw2gc                 Forgive the event/situation.  Say "I forgive you (insert the name here) for violating me that day, I no longer blame myself, I set you free from my being in the spirit and on the earth.  Lord Jesus please cleanse me of all spiritual and physical deposits deposited into my soul, body and spirit that day/those days In Jesus Mighty Name.  Wash me Jesus in your precious Blood I forgive the day that this happened to me; I forgive the event of the attack and the abuse.  In Jesus Mighty Name.   (Take some time to sob, cry, cleanse, flush it from you)

I love you.  God loves you and wants to Heal You.  I dedicate this song to you God wants to Heal You - Earnest Pugh  

and Please Hold Me - Kelontae Gavin 

Are you feeling fear?  I dedicate this song to you... Jehovah Sabaoth Double Take - Donald Lawrence 

Also Walk By Faith - Brent Jones 

Speak over myself in The Lord:  Jeremiah 29:11   Ezekiel 36:25-26  (Continue to meditate contemplatively through to 38.) 

Be strong!  

When you're not strong, pray: Jesus, I am weak right now/this temptation is hitting me really hard right now, can you please provide a way out?  I need help right here.  And here are some verses to support you  (1 Corinthians 10:13)  James 5:17   Hebrews 4:15​  

​You may be tempted in ways that are unique to you and not to another because the enemy knows you, knows what's in your bloodline and strategizes against you daily and nightly, then goes before God and accuses you daily before God when you fall to bring legalities against you; (check this out, also check this out,)

One preacher I heard on TV was saying:  Jesus, your property is in trouble, Help! in response to being faced with hard temptation!  Make no mistake, you WILL be tempted but I'm telling you AND MYSELF, be Strong!

If you are tempted by images in your mind, commit the following scriptures to memory and use them to respond to each hit one at a time or all at once: each situation and person is unique.  I also used this other site because I want you to use the original KJV

* 2 Corinthians 10:5  

* Philippians 4:7-8 especially 8

* Isaiah 27:9 (...the groves and images shall not stand up.)

(There are 4...Lord please forgive me for giving the enemy legal right against my memory... what's the other one??? Please Lord remind me...) AH! Here it is! Halelluiah!! (In faith I typed the asterisk then I saw it in my spiritual eyes!!!)

* Romans 12:2

The lines are being blurred daily in the main stream media to weaken the hard line of resolve that many have against the subject of male/male passions. As a result people are becoming more accepting....not of the struggle to come away from the lifestyle (because that is rare as far as society is concerned), but there is more widespread acceptance. Why just last night...just last night, 11/25/2020 I was eating dinner and just joined my wife to cuddle on the sofa as this holiday movie was winding up on one of the cleaner, more family friendly networks; The last scene...the very last scene just before the credits, I immediately saw his fingers on the other guy's neck; He then quickly kisses him then...credits!!! Movie over! The VERY LAST SCENE!! 

Today is Thanksgiving Day 2020 and we just saw an ad featuring families and of course the quick male/male tenderness/gay couple scene.  There are other commercials featuring men sitting, legs open very widespread, camera shot placed right there to pull your eyes up and into his crotch area.  It's all subliminal and very quick; you don't even realize its happening...until you do, (like, for example, I just told you...)  

What's next...a car commercial featuring a grown man with his hand up some little girl's dress, passionately kissing her?  or - or an ad with a woman on a bed, scantily-clad, writhing fervently under Rover the family dog, selling jewelry?  Why do you think that won't ever happen?  Did you see the ad featuring the man in the tampon ad?...yes the man...aha.  It's all part of an agenda to make you think and say "There's nothing wrong with it!"  You're being weakened every day.  It's all subliminal, It's all to promote inordinate affection....all of it.

Btw...dyu remember me saying earlier that I just can't end this...there is always something else that I'll go through, or a reminder or God will whisper something in my spirit...well...its thanksgiving season...I was driving and The Holy Spirit whispered and reminded me that I didn't tell you all that I told my wife (sorry for the disobedience God, sorry for the disobedience Father...) I told my wife...

What did she say?  

What did she do?

She accepted me! She forgave and accepted me!!!  She was concerned I didn't tell her before...BUT She accepted me!!! ONLY GOD!!!! ONLY GOD!!!!!!!!

Welcome to XGA!

You may contact me at xgabook@gmail.com

I dedicate this song and this one to all of you: 

​(Copyright 2022, All rights reserved)